I never thought I was an addict

[DoubleOseven]

I wrote this in 2016....

My name is...and I'm an addict.
20 MAY 2016, 09:50 pm
I never considered myself an addict. I never thought of my use as being severe enough to warrant labelling myself an addict. Somehow 'addict' felt like a label one should apply to users who got lost in the drug. Who lost their morals, who fled from their responsibilities or used as a means to escape life or mask some deeper pain. I never thought I was any of that. I made it to work everyday and I was still there for my kids everyday. I never slept around for drugs and didn't cheat on my husband. I did it because I enjoyed it and that was it. Hahaha. Slowly.....and reluctantly...I  began to realise how twisted I was. In actuality I was using to deal with the come down and to get over the hopelessness and depression come downs bring. I had to make up a fake illness to explain why I was always so up and down at work one day full of beans and a few days later sullen and withdrawn. I loved crossfit but stopped working out, because it's really hard to go hard as a mother f'er in the gym when you haven't slept for days. And it turned out I wasn't there for my kids when I would sleep for three days agyer being high, or the three days after that when I was so shitty I couldn't be bothered dealing with them. And I may not have cheated on my husband in the biblical sense, but at the end of the day all the lying and sneaking around to get drugs or hang out with other users amounts to being unfaithful anyway.

So yeah, it took a while for me to accept that I had lost control, and yeah, I'm a drug addict. Today clean for 20 days. Since 2014 the longest I've been clean was 7 weeks. And I out on a fucken truck load of weight that I'm still trying to lose. So let's see how long I can make it.

Needless to say, three years on from that journal entry and I am still struggling with this addiction. Plus, I've managed to pick up a lovely gambling addiction as well.

I want help. I want to change. I don't want to disappoint my husband again. He's had to deal with so much of my shit, why can't I get my act together? He has no idea how far I have relapsed, how long I've been using again behind his back, the secret debt I've gotten in to fund my addictions. I'm feeling completely overwhelmed right now

[Melody12]

Welcome DoubleOseven,

Thank you for sharing your journey here today, it sounds like your struggles have increased over the last three years and it is brave of you to come to this forum and share this.

Peer support can be valuable in many ways and I hope interacting with the online community members provides you with a positive connection.

Kind Regards
Melody12