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Re: Introduce yourself here - lived experience

Posted: Wed Jul 15, 2020 5:38 pm
by sydghost
Hi, I'm SydGhost, 39 year old male Meth and Chemsex addict. Glad i stumbled on this site as i'm looking for support.
I've only ever smoked Meth a few times while engaging in wild sexual activities. It's all i think about now and it's consuming me.
I am not sure what to do to stop thinking about and avoid touching it. I am worried i will engage again soon in Chemsex which will make it even harder to stop...The temptation is so strong now and growing...
Any help appreciated please! cheers

Re: Introduce yourself here - lived experience

Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2020 1:28 pm
by Calvino01
Hi @sydghost
Welcome to the forums! Good on you for reaching out today.
I'm Calvino one of the facilitators here.
What you're experiencing isn't unheard of. Many people struggle with this and I understand it can feel quite difficult to give it up.
This is a supportive and anonymous platform for people to share their experiences with others who have issues with substances.

Have you ever received support for this before? Have you been in contact with other organisations for assistance?

Re: Introduce yourself here - lived experience

Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2020 2:17 pm
by sydghost
Hi @Calvino01
Thanks for your message. Yes it's been very hard in particular because i don't have anyone to talk with about it, that's why i've come here. No i haven't reached out to other organisations or received counselling. Just looked at online resources.

I am constantly moving between both wanting and not wanting to give it up although i know what the rational decision is...It's been very difficult.

Re: Introduce yourself here - lived experience

Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2020 2:52 pm
by Calvino01
Yes it always seems like a back and forth battle for many people between wanting to stop and not wanting to stop. That can be one of the most difficult things to get past at the beginning. What matters now is that you are contemplating to stop. Weight up your pros and cons, make a list do a little more thinking about these.
We have a 24/7 drug counselling helpline available on 1800 888 236 or you can even chat with a counsellor through webchat. Theres always a counsellor available to talk to.

Re: Introduce yourself here - lived experience

Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2020 11:39 pm
by August041
Hi. My newly acquired hobby is my planted fish aquarium. My previous hobby was alcohol. I am 234 days sober and sometimes feel alone in my sobriety. I have wonderful support and love around me, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think they know what I am going through.
Volunteering inspires me. It’s a selfless act which can make such a huge difference to our world and it’s inhabitants.

Re: Introduce yourself here - lived experience

Posted: Fri Jul 17, 2020 9:31 am
by Bamboo [facilitator]
Hi @August041 welcome to the forum, thanks for sharing with us :)

What a fantastic achievement going 234 days sober, congratulations!!

I'm wondering if you'd be willing to share how you got through those first few weeks?

Sobriety can definitely feel lonely at times, it's great you've joined our community for that connection and support. Great to hear you've also got wonderful people around you.

Your new hobby sounds interesting, how many fish do you have in your aquarium?

Volunteering and giving back to the community is a beautiful thing.

Re: Introduce yourself here - lived experience

Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2020 12:00 pm
by The fisherman
Hi Guys
I’m usually very active when Covid is not here. I eat well and exercise, enjoy a couple of glasses of wine with me partner a couple of nights a week with dinner and it’s never a problem.
Buuuuut once in a while like say six times in the last couple of years I have drunk to excess. I mean I will drink everything till it’s gone and fast. Obviously the result is blind drunk and them I am a total Dickhead and say horrid things that I would never say or behave like any other time. I have spoken to my partner like this and I am horrified and disgusted with myself. And the guilt. Man. It’s off the hook.
When I have a real honest evaluation about it, alcohol has never brought me anything good and has been the only real thing that has caused me grief in my life.
It’s almost like I reward myself with alcohol on these occasions and the stop button is non existent
Having fun one minute then blur.
I’m a kind caring loyal person. Adventurous, and enjoy everything outdoors. So it’s nit like I have no interests etc. I just get mental on the booze every now and then and make a real Dickhead of my self
I can’t accept any more full stop. My partner deserves better she’s an amazing woman.
So here I am I’ve never done this before but one time acting like that is to many for me.
Time for talking is over.

Re: Introduce yourself here - lived experience

Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2020 4:09 pm
by Modra6
The Fisherman,

First of all, welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing your current world with members - your bravery and desire to change is apparent. I am Modra6 one of the moderators here on the forum, and can see your seeking change which is empowering, and is an important step in building a strengths based narrative moving forward for you and your partner.

What we do know is that change comes with resistance, however starting the connection and honest process of seeking help and moving forward is a massive step, so well done. Alcohol can be a way to make sense at times of our reality, especially in such unpredictable, unknown times.

It's about searching and exploring alternative ways to engage, and present to your partner and the world, even in times of adversity that there a new/different ways of functioning. Hopefully this forum will incite some of those changes.

Lastly, the supports are available to you include drug and alcohol support lines (which are one off drug and alcohol counselling sessions), most of the services Australia wide are 24/7, which can also refer you onto some face to face (or zoom to zoom) counselling if that's where you seek.

Please keep reaching on this forum, as it builds - again thanks for posting.

Modra6

Re: Introduce yourself here - lived experience

Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2020 4:56 pm
by The fisherman
Howdy Modra6
What a full forward was Tony Modra. Awesome
Anyways thanks for the welcome it’s appreciated and I will use the advice.
It’s strange for me to ever ask for help as I’ve always just got the job done myself or not in this case.
But I’m glad to have made this decision
Thanks again

Re: Introduce yourself here - lived experience

Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2020 5:19 pm
by Modra6
The fisherman,

Good to see that you appreciate "godra" as they use to call him.

That's great to hear, never underestimate how much bravery and passion it takes to make that leap, decide to change. The gravity of change opens up many doors and services that can assist with the reasons for you alcohol consumption but the precipitating factors or contexts that have led to that continuous cycle. It's sometimes just about exploring, and having the courage to explore in the initial stages that makes all the difference.

Reach out to the forums if you need further assistance.

Modra6

Re: Introduce yourself here - lived experience

Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2020 1:50 am
by Dontknowatall
I’ve been reaching out for so long. Wanting to give up but part of me knows I can do it. Getting started again in sobriety is always the hardest bit.

Re: Introduce yourself here - lived experience

Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2020 1:51 am
by Dontknowatall
*wanting to give up trying to recover and just give in to it

Re: Introduce yourself here - lived experience

Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2020 2:55 am
by Cat7
Definitely @Dontknowatall getting started is the hardest part. Try to focus on small goals, one day at a time, otherwise it is overwhelming and does feel like it might be easier to give up.

What things are motivating you to want to make changes at the moment?

Re: Introduce yourself here - lived experience

Posted: Fri Sep 04, 2020 3:34 pm
by Fossilize
I never will apologise for who I truly am
For you can never see inside the person that I am
The fears and doubts I live with
Burning every day
The pain, regrets and memories
That I just can’t push away

I’ve asked for help… I’m finding it
But it will take some time
I’m hoping with the time I need that once again I’ll find
The soul I feel inside of me, the soul I once discovered
The man I know I really am
But once again I covered

I have an illness deep inside
That always will be there
The one I always try to hide, but it’s so crystal clear
My enemy’s inside me, I need to bring it out
To feel that I am worthy
For what life’s all about

I need to learn to love myself the way I love you all
And build a life I’m proud of
Not doubt it all then fall
But know that people care about the way I truly feel
That wait with arms wide open for
The time I want to heal

That time has come round once again, I can’t do it alone
But that’s the way I’ve always felt
The biggest fear I’ve known
Thinking that I need to deal with everything myself
Instead of reaching out for help
To put it on the shelf

I know that I can do it…I’ve done it once before
20 years without a drink, I thought I’d closed the door
But doubts had lived inside me
And new fears had been born
The rage existed in my mind
The battlelines were drawn

My fist clenched round that bottleneck
“I’ll show you I can win”
That’s where the life I’d started, all started to begin
To fall around my feet again the way it had before
Instead of calling out for help
I started wanting more

The enemy beat me once again
And all around could see
The one that stood before them, just wasn’t really me
They tried so hard to tell me but I pushed them all away
I need them back but first
There is one thing I need to say

I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused
I’m sorry for your fears
I’m sorry that I hurt you all
I’m sorry for the tears
I’m sorry that I don’t reach out, but I’m starting to learn
That love is all around me… not a skill to learn

They say that life’s a journey, but journey’s should be fun
This trip has been a battle, that no one yet has won
I haven’t quit…I’ll rise again
For all the love you’ve shown
Please know the love I send to you
Is love you truly own

Re: Introduce yourself here - lived experience

Posted: Fri Sep 04, 2020 3:45 pm
by camembert
Hey @Fossilize
Welcome to Counselling Online Forums.
Your poem is really amazing - you have a special talent with words!
I particularly like the line "I haven’t quit…I’ll rise again"
It shows a lot of strength and resilience. You should be proud of yourself :)
I'd love to hear about some strategies that you've used in the past and found helpful?