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  • Detachment, letting go, self care

    For friends and family of people with substance problems. Connect with others here to share support and advice today.
    FaithHL
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2019 10:31 am

    Detachment, letting go, self care

    Sun Jul 28, 2019 10:37 am

    Hi all,

    I am at the very painful place of accepting reality, and realising that I cannot control my partner, and that as nice of a person he is and how genuine and hard he is trying, I need to let go and let God and let him make his own decisions and come to the conclusion himself to realise he needs to take an honest inventory and want to change.

    And I need to let him go, if not I will drown. I love him so very much, I have hopes of having a very lovely family with him as he is such a good man with good heart and great potential. But I am in such a painful place of realising that the most graceful thing I can do is set boundaries with him and for myself because I feel like I am going insane myself. The resentment anger hurt disappointment, not to mention the financial burden and debt I have allowed myself to get into enabling him and not addressing and facing up to my own codependency issues is going to make me sink.

    So I need to start preparing myself emotionally, to accept reality, to keep telling myself, yes I love him very much, yes I hope for us to have a beautiful future, but as of now, I need to let him go to walk his own recovery journey, not pressure him, I need to set boundaries to protect myself, I can't rely on him because he is "sick" and needs healing, I need to focus on myself and get my life back, yes it is so painful, it is so disappointing, I wish that feelings I get when I look into his eyes and when he kisses me and holds me in his arms and tells me he loves me and is trying his best will last, but it is only temporary and it will only be real after he has come out of the end of the recovery tunnel fully. And there is a possibility that I cannot wait for that long as I am already in my early 30s. I have my own life's purpose and calling to pursue and realise, I have people counting on me and future people that will come into my life to help.

    It is so painful and disappointing and I love him so so very much. :(
    Last edited by FaithHL on Mon Jul 29, 2019 11:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
    3 x
    Jack23
    Senior Member
    Posts: 133
    Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2019 4:12 pm

    Re: Detachment, letting go, self care

    Sun Jul 28, 2019 11:16 am

    hi @FaithHL

    Welcome to the forum.

    Well done on joining the forum and having the strength and courage to seek help and allow yourself to be vulnerable.

    I can see how much thought you have given to your situation and how much you care for your partner. Being honest with your partner in how much his behaviour is hurting you is very important, it gives him back the responsibility to resolve his own problems and also to have the responsibility and choice to decide how important your are to him.

    I hope your partner seeks help for his problems, and I wish you all the best.

    Take Care.
    Jack23
    2 x
    Jelm
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Thu Oct 03, 2019 4:19 pm

    Re: Detachment, letting go, self care

    Thu Oct 03, 2019 4:42 pm

    Hi @Faithful I dont know how you feel, but know that it must be one of the most painful decisions to make. I have a brother in law that needs to look after
    Himself, but my husband, his brother, continually digs him out of a hole, for 2mins, then he's back in one again, revolving door. I always thought, why shouldn't we keep helping him, look after him, hes a poor soul, then I dont know what it was, but totally get the enabling thing and how it's actually detrimental to him. I feel if we had let him go to the depths, maybe a few times earlier, he would be well by now, the enabling is prolonging his inability to function as he should be. So I see your situation as you need, in fact have to let him go, or he will never get better, and I'm sure you want that for him. And you may get your family back, even better than you could ever hope for. Unfortunately your the one who has to sacrifice, I wish it wasnt that way, but it's like, if he had cancer, and if he didn't go to this certain place for treatment he would die. No one would even hesitate to make him go, but mental illness you cant see, but is just as debilitating and devastating as any deadly disease. Forums like this are a godsend and your not alone, we are here for you, you have stayed with him this long, your strong Faithful, you may not feel t, but you are.
    4 x
    Starlee
    Junior Member
    Posts: 14
    Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2020 10:52 pm

    Re: Detachment, letting go, self care

    Mon Oct 05, 2020 11:16 pm

    @FaithHL oh I feel like I could have written this myself! I’ve been avoiding another chat with hubby as he denies any problem drinking so bad that I question my own sanity. So I got brave and had a chat today and yep things went pear shaped pretty quickly. Now I feel like a drama queen and he’s all back being nice. But I’ve been on this ride too long to know the cycle just starts again.
    It’s heartbreaking to think a decision has to be made but yes I feel like I need to let go and look after myself & kids as he won’t admit any problem whatsoever and I don’t have the emotional strength to keep going.
    All the best with your journey, it’s scary to think of letting them go but I feel like we have to save ourselves xx
    2 x
    Carnelian
    Community Builder
    Posts: 11
    Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 1:20 pm

    Re: Detachment, letting go, self care

    Tue Oct 06, 2020 3:56 pm

    Hi @Starlee

    Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing!

    It sounds like a really difficult situation to be in, but you were so brave to have a chat with him.

    I am glad you have shared your experience here, and I hope you can find some support.

    Would love to hear more about your journey
    3 x
    Starlee
    Junior Member
    Posts: 14
    Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2020 10:52 pm

    Re: Detachment, letting go, self care

    Tue Oct 06, 2020 9:14 pm

    Thank you @Carnelian
    I’ve started the process of getting finances in order, consolidating my loans to reduce weekly payments & fixed interest on mortgage to free up cash flow should the time come I’m left to pay for everything on my own. I feel like it’s drastic and I feel guilty for doing it as he’s currently trying to prove he won’t drink again, so being nice etc. but I just can’t risk it going badly before I’m prepared and we lose everything. Very hard conversations to have with our bank manager & accountant (I made sure it was in strict confidence before telling them anything) but they were very supportive. Still can’t help but feel guilty for telling them about it when there’s been no “diagnosis” as such so I start to doubt myself and the whole situation all over again.

    Sorry to hijack the original post 😬 I hope they are doing ok!
    2 x
    Ally22
    Junior Member
    Posts: 12
    Joined: Wed May 13, 2020 7:26 pm

    Re: Detachment, letting go, self care

    Thu Oct 08, 2020 9:02 pm

    Oh how I relate! I can recommend the Love over additional podcast! It has really helped me to move to a place of acceptance and realising I can be happy if he choses to get sober or not!
    Hope you’re doing okay 💞
    2 x
    HelpfulBee
    Community Builder
    Posts: 86
    Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2019 12:59 pm

    Re: Detachment, letting go, self care

    Sat Oct 10, 2020 1:16 pm

    Thanks for the podcast suggestion @Ally22 and thanks for sharing something that's been helpful to you! If you think of anything else that you've enjoyed, be sure to let us know! :D
    0 x
    User avatar
    tacocat
    Community Builder
    Posts: 32
    Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2020 9:54 pm

    Re: Detachment, letting go, self care

    Sat Oct 24, 2020 1:23 pm

    Hi @Ally22

    I keep hearing about this podcast, and now it's popping up on the forum. Must be a sign that I need to give it a listen!

    Thanks for the tip 8-)
    1 x
    Boloum
    Junior Member
    Posts: 6
    Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 4:06 pm

    Re: Detachment, letting go, self care

    Sun Oct 25, 2020 10:20 pm

    I feel you.
    I came to this conclusion myself a month ago and told him so.
    I told him that I couldn't care anymore.
    I couldn't care if he was taking any of the pills.
    I want going to ask him anymore.
    It hurt too much and he was slowly breaking me.
    I told him I couldn't worry about him and his health anymore because he isnt looking after himself.

    I told him that my only care was that if his heart played up again and the kids witnessed it.

    As soon as I said that such a weight came of my chest. I became so happy.
    He was shaken to the bone and was desperate to try to change.

    He has relapsed since but I haven't cared and he has taken such a small amount it hasn't affected anything.

    I don't know how this is going to go down the track. Who knows if I'm going to make it worse? But we are getting on so much better now.

    Sorry to have hijacked the post
    I'm so glad to have found I'm not the only one to feel these feelings.

    Blessings to you
    0 x
    Lady Bug
    Community Builder
    Posts: 123
    Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2019 10:49 am

    Re: Detachment, letting go, self care

    Mon Oct 26, 2020 6:28 pm

    Beautiful post @Boloum
    There are many partners going through the same thing you are. Glad you joined our forums <3
    0 x

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