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  • Do I stay or do I go?

    For friends and family of people with substance problems. Connect with others here to share support and advice today.
    Elsa13
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Wed Oct 14, 2020 9:35 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Wed Oct 14, 2020 9:54 pm

    Hello,
    I've found myself reading this thread because I'm going through something similar. I rarely see my fiancee sober these days. It's been a problem for years and I can't tell if it's getting worse, or I'm just getting completely over it.
    I beg him to stop drinking. He says he wants to or he knows he should but he blames it on external factors and never on himself. Usually he says it's to overcome anxiety that I've caused by putting expectations on him. Or because his work is stressful.
    It kills me to see him do this to himself and I feel like it's completely destroying our relationship.
    I'm too proud to speak to anyone about my problems. And I'm scared of what would happen to him if I left.
    Thanks for listening.
    0 x
    Bamboo [facilitator]
    Community Manager
    Posts: 72
    Joined: Mon Jun 15, 2020 7:46 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Thu Oct 15, 2020 10:43 am

    Hi @Elsa13 thank you for sharing with us and welcome to the forum.

    It's definitely a really difficult situation to be in and I can appreciate how hard it is to talk to someone about it, good on you for reaching out to us.

    I can see the stress and impact it is having on you as well as the strain you are feeling in your relationship. As much as it's difficult opening up, it sounds like it would be helpful to get some support on managing this situation. If perhaps you aren't able to chat to family or friends, have you considered chatting to one of our Counsellors? We do have webchat as an option also, please see here.

    Self-care is really important during this time. What are some things you can do to look after yourself today? Please let us know how you go, we're here for you.
    1 x
    Elsa13
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Wed Oct 14, 2020 9:35 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Thu Oct 15, 2020 4:30 pm

    @Bamboo [facilitator]
    Thanks for your response. I have access to free counselling through work, so today I reached out and made an appointment.
    I wonder if anyone has some advice though. I'm concerned that I'm sometimes enabling my partner's drinking problem by drinking with him. On the weekend, I'm supposed to go with him and a couple of his colleagues for lunch followed by a gin tasting. I feel like maybe I shouldn't go, because I don't want to encourage him to drink. I'm sure he'll be mad if I bail, but do I need to put my foot down against all drinking?
    1 x
    Applepie
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2020 7:16 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Thu Oct 15, 2020 7:42 pm

    I got to that stage of not enabling alcohol and not even wanting to see it in the house. Regular inspections for hidden alcohol.

    But would lead to health professionals been called and been advised can't just abruptly stop without detoxing. And I have to sit there and allow alcohol to be consumed. Limit it to small amounts, but can't be around all the time. And then discover its all been consumed when not around. Thankfully I don't drink so can avoid having it around and enabling. But feel like I'm enabling it now I am been told I need to allow it.
    0 x
    Elsa13
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Wed Oct 14, 2020 9:35 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Thu Oct 15, 2020 8:10 pm

    @Applepie thanks for sharing. Are you OK? I'd definitely prefer if he could just reduce intake and know when to stop. But he's been trying "moderation" on and off for years with no success. I don't have the option removing alcohol from the house. He makes wine. We have a whole spare room completely full of wine. I kind of think 100% sobriety is his only way forward, but it would mean completely changing our lives. But he has to actually want to change first.
    0 x
    Ally22
    Junior Member
    Posts: 11
    Joined: Wed May 13, 2020 7:26 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Fri Oct 16, 2020 10:50 pm

    Hi @Elsa13
    Thanks for posting and reaching out. I was the same in not wanting to share what I’ve been going through. It has only been in the month or so I have shared with friends and family and made a plan B.
    I haven’t told them everything but enough to have some relief and supports. So amazing you have reached out to get counselling. I have been scared to do that myself, so good you’ve been able to take this step. I’ve tried to put some boundaries in for myself. My partner has been in such a good place, no alcohol during the week, cutting back on weekends and not every day on the weekend. I’m so proud of him and love who he is. But part of me still thinks I need to get out, which is huge progress for me over the last 8 years I haven’t even contemplated that I would actually leave. But it’s different this time. Ultimately I want him and our life together but even when things are going good the anxiety and pain I feel is still there daily, I know it is going to take a long long time to heal and I’m not sure he will keep on this path. It’s like he took it too far one day and something flicked in me, like enough is enough I don’t want to anymore. There is a little voice that keeps saying I don’t want to bear this burden anymore. But I love him so dearly, he is my best friend and I want to support him. It’s bloody hard! Sending strength and support
    0 x
    Starlee
    Junior Member
    Posts: 11
    Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2020 10:52 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Sat Oct 17, 2020 8:50 am

    @Ally22 Omgosh I’m so glad I logged on this morning to read this. Reason through your messages I feel like I’m on the same path but a few steps behind. My husband had a breakdown last night abs admitted to having a problem & depression and needs me to help. I’m more than happy to help and support him but I’ve also had that switch where I’m so numb from the anxiety, anger I feel, sadness - like a whole ball of emotions I’m not sure I can stay long term.
    What worries me is he doesn’t want professional help even though I’ve explained it’s an illness he needs proper help. I feel like it was just a moment where he was feeling vulnerable as I’m been more aware and vocal when he drinks and after reading through this forums have made some boundaries which is making him feel in less control of me. I feel sick to think he will again just get better at hiding it, might go one day longer but i know it will happen again and bam I’m back in that cycle again. It’s hard to see him so broken but I’m on the verge of a breakdown I can feel it, I don’t feel well but trying to keep it altogether for the kids. When you stay away for a few days does your partner beg you to be there and that he needs you etc. abs how do you cope with that? I think that’s my next move. This is so hard though I do have a little army of support from close friends and family.
    0 x
    Ally22
    Junior Member
    Posts: 11
    Joined: Wed May 13, 2020 7:26 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Sat Oct 17, 2020 2:26 pm

    @Starlee
    I have watched my partner break down many times, and say I need help I can’t do this by myself, somehow though nothing ever happens. He has a regular GP who has given him some goals and will look at prescribing medication to help once he proves he can make some change on his own first.
    When I stay away for a few days he doesn’t ask me to come back or beg me to stay, he is so ashamed and depressed that he won’t pick up the phone to call me. He stays inside the house, doesn’t get out of bed and just waits. When I do come home, depending how soon after a big night. If it’s the next day he wakes up drunk and is still pretty horrific and I just feel so angry that the house is a mess and I’m getting no help with anything. If I’ve stayed away for a few days he’s sad and apologetic and needy. Before I come in the house I listen to the love over addiction podcast, remind myself I am in control of my own emotions, nothing I say will change what has already happened, and nothing will make him sober expect for himself. Sometimes that helps me to stay calm and get on with the things I want to do, sometimes I just get angry and sad. I’m working on it though! So tough all of it! I think one thing that keeps me going is that he does know he has a problem and he knows one day he’ll have to stop drinking all together, but he’s not ready to yet. But I just don’t know how long I’ve got left before I have to let go.
    2 x
    Starlee
    Junior Member
    Posts: 11
    Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2020 10:52 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Sat Oct 17, 2020 9:17 pm

    @Ally22
    Thank you. That sounds tough and draining. I’m going to go listen to the podcast you mentioned. Someone made a comment to me and said you can leave or you can learn how to live with your alcoholic. Just hearing those words “your alcoholic” made me think I don’t want that. I don’t want an alcoholic. Like you I’m still trying to be supportive and give it a go but not sure where the path will lead.
    All the best ally22 with your journey and thanks for your insight.
    1 x
    Ally22
    Junior Member
    Posts: 11
    Joined: Wed May 13, 2020 7:26 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Sat Oct 17, 2020 9:57 pm

    @Starlee
    It’s nice to chat to someone who gets it! I’m here anytime you’d like to vent and I will vent right on back. Highly recommend the podcast!
    2 x

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