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  • Do I stay or do I go?

    For friends and family of people with substance problems. Connect with others here to share support and advice today.
    Ally22
    Junior Member
    Posts: 15
    Joined: Wed May 13, 2020 7:26 pm

    Do I stay or do I go?

    Wed May 13, 2020 7:33 pm

    I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s asked the question. Feeling like I can’t talk to the people in my life because I know they will say I should leave and that reality is hard to swallow.
    Sitting out the front in my car because my partner is drinking tonight. Again. Don’t want to be here. Don’t want to go to family because the thought of explaining it is too much.
    I want to leave. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I’m done. I’ve put 7 years in. He’s my absolute favourite person, the best person I’ve met. He’s my best friend and man do I love him. How do I let go of the guilt, the worry, the wanting to support him. How do I leave?
    I know I need to leave for me. I know that’s the best decision. But I get paralysed by the fear of losing my best friend and feel so incredibly sad for what he’s life is going to look like without me and let’s be real I feel responsible for him.
    0 x
    SnowGlobe88
    Moderator
    Posts: 47
    Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2019 12:52 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Thu May 14, 2020 9:19 am

    Hi Ally22,

    Welcome to the forums. It's great to have you here.

    I'm one of the moderators for this community. What you have described, sounds very challenging to go through. When you're talking about one part of you knows it's right to leave and the other part wants to stay and take care of him, this is a very normal response. The things you're going through are confusing and sound like an emotional roller coaster. I'm wondering what supports you have in your life? I see you don't feel comfortable talking with your family. There are free counselling services that can help with what you're going through. You can access a referral through a GP or contact your local drug and alcohol counselling services.

    Have a look around the forums as there is lots of helpful posts and blogs on similar concerns.

    Take care,
    SnowGlobe88
    Moderator
    1 x
    camembert
    Community Builder
    Posts: 78
    Joined: Mon Aug 17, 2020 9:04 am

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Fri Sep 04, 2020 2:32 pm

    Hey [mention]Ally22[/mention]
    I thought I would check in with you and see how you are going with everything
    Have you found anything useful or interesting on the forums?
    Remember we have a webchat available 24/7 and family/friends are able to get support there too!
    - its open 24/7 and it's staffed by drug and alcohol counsellors
    Take care :)
    1 x
    Fossilize
    Junior Member
    Posts: 5
    Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2020 3:19 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Fri Sep 04, 2020 7:37 pm

    [mention]Ally22[/mention]
    Are you still here?
    I'd like to chat with you about the situation if you are.
    1 x
    Kate58
    Junior Member
    Posts: 23
    Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2020 8:19 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Sat Sep 05, 2020 1:44 pm

    And this is my next problem .. exactly the same . I will be watching your replies .. it’s another tough gig this one xxx
    1 x
    Melody12
    Moderator
    Posts: 139
    Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2019 4:27 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Sat Sep 05, 2020 3:21 pm

    Hi [mention]Ally22[/mention] , I am Melody one of the moderators. I can see in an earlier post you wanted to chat with a moderator. Wanting to chat with someone sounds like it would be beneficial for you as well as supportive.

    I am going to revisit some info supplied by previous moderators which I think may be helpful -

    [*]You can obtain free counselling services by obtaining a referral through a GP or contact your local drug and alcohol counselling service,
    [*]As well this forum has lots of helpful posts and blogs on similar concerns.
    [*]If immediate support is something you would find helpful Counsellingonline has a webchat service available which is 24/7 where family/friends are able to get support - its a 24/7 service staffed by drug and alcohol counsellors.

    I hope this information helps and please continue to post and let us know how you are going.
    Warm Regards,
    Melody
    1 x
    User avatar
    tacocat
    Community Builder
    Posts: 108
    Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2020 9:54 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Fri Sep 11, 2020 4:39 pm

    Hi [mention]Kate58[/mention] and [mention]Fossilize[/mention]

    We haven't heard from the original poster in a while, but I noticed you were both interested in this topic. Is there anything either of you would like to share around this subject?
    We're non-judgmental and always happy to listen.

    Hope you're both well...
    0 x
    Rose_squrtz
    Junior Member
    Posts: 14
    Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 1:20 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Tue Sep 22, 2020 10:17 am

    hi [mention]Ally22[/mention] I can only imagine how hard it is for you in this situation.. Haven't heard from you since your last post. Hope you are well and safe!
    1 x
    Ally22
    Junior Member
    Posts: 15
    Joined: Wed May 13, 2020 7:26 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Thu Oct 08, 2020 8:42 pm

    Thanks so much for all your replies.
    Things have been tough since my last post but I have made some personal progress. I have told friends and family more about how things are going. I have a ‘plan b’ and a place to go if I need to.
    Right now my partner is in a great place and seems really motivated, we have had 2 good weeks. Early days but I’m hopeful. When he’s sober we are the best partners and we bring out the best in each other. Hoping it stays like this, but also know I can’t do the bad times any longer and will leave if he take a turn. Which sadly is the reality with this horrible illness. But for now I am enjoying the man I met, and the version of myself that I’ve missed. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine, there is still anxiety everyday wondering if he will stay sober. But I’m trying my best to remind myself that I have no control over his decision to drink. I have also started staying at a friends place if he does drink and created some boundaries for myself.
    I will be sure to check this website more. Was very thankful to get an email from counselling online tonight that made me come and write this. Thinking of all who need strength and support
    5 x
    Calvino01
    Community Builder
    Posts: 199
    Joined: Tue Jan 29, 2019 4:05 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Thu Oct 08, 2020 9:00 pm

    Hi [mention]Ally22[/mention]
    Welcome back to forums! Great to hear from you!

    I'm glad to hear you have set some boundaries for yourself. Sometimes its easy to forget ourselves through the process.
    It can be quite an anxious and fearful time, hoping that your partner doesn't fall into old patterns, are there ways that can help you manage your self-care in times where things become overwhelming?

    It sounds like you have a great support network around you.
    0 x
    Ally22
    Junior Member
    Posts: 15
    Joined: Wed May 13, 2020 7:26 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Thu Oct 08, 2020 9:06 pm

    [mention]Calvino01[/mention]
    I am leaning on friends and family more. If he is falling back into old patterns or choses to drink I do not stay at home and don’t come back for a couple of days so he can feel the consequences alone. I have just started working out again which is a major win for my self care!
    2 x
    Calvino01
    Community Builder
    Posts: 199
    Joined: Tue Jan 29, 2019 4:05 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Thu Oct 08, 2020 9:36 pm

    Good on you [mention]Ally22[/mention] !
    Exercise can be quite helpful to improve our moods and ease those anxious feelings.
    0 x
    Starlee
    Junior Member
    Posts: 19
    Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2020 10:52 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Fri Oct 09, 2020 10:47 pm

    [mention]Ally22[/mention] i don’t have any advice but I wanted to wish you all the best and thank you for the update as I can relate to this also. Be kind to yourself 😊
    5 x
    AnnAnn
    Junior Member
    Posts: 10
    Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 1:41 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Tue Oct 13, 2020 9:58 am

    Ally22 wrote:
    Thu Oct 08, 2020 8:42 pm
    Thanks so much for all your replies.
    Things have been tough since my last post but I have made some personal progress. I have told friends and family more about how things are going. I have a ‘plan b’ and a place to go if I need to.
    Right now my partner is in a great place and seems really motivated, we have had 2 good weeks. Early days but I’m hopeful. When he’s sober we are the best partners and we bring out the best in each other. Hoping it stays like this, but also know I can’t do the bad times any longer and will leave if he take a turn. Which sadly is the reality with this horrible illness. But for now I am enjoying the man I met, and the version of myself that I’ve missed. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine, there is still anxiety everyday wondering if he will stay sober. But I’m trying my best to remind myself that I have no control over his decision to drink. I have also started staying at a friends place if he does drink and created some boundaries for myself.
    I will be sure to check this website more. Was very thankful to get an email from counselling online tonight that made me come and write this. Thinking of all who need strength and support
    Hi [mention]Ally22[/mention] , I'm delighted to hear that you and your partner are making progress with the recovery journey. You're right, setting boundaries is important, not only for yourself, but also for your partner. Boundaries are key to creating healthy relationships and definitely help to establish guidelines for suitable behaviours. It takes a strong and determined individual to be able to stand up for oneself and know where to draw the lines with a loved one. Please continue to take care of yourself, mentally and physically! And keep us updated!
    2 x
    Rose_squrtz
    Junior Member
    Posts: 14
    Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2020 1:20 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Wed Oct 14, 2020 1:16 pm

    Hi [mention]Ally22[/mention] :) So good to see you on the forum again!
    I am glad to hear that you and your partner are making progress. And good on you for taking actions to look after your own well-being! Sometimes it is easily to overlook our own needs when we are trying to help our loved ones.

    All the best for you and your partner! Looking forward to hear you share the journey on the forum :D
    We are here for each other.
    1 x

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