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  • Do I stay or do I go?

    For friends and family of people with substance problems. Connect with others here to share support and advice today.
    Ally22
    Junior Member
    Posts: 15
    Joined: Wed May 13, 2020 7:26 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Mon Dec 07, 2020 11:15 pm

    [mention]Lady Bug[/mention] [mention]Calvino01[/mention]

    Thanks for checking in.
    Things have been up and down. Overall thing have been a lot better than they were 6 months ago. This time of year is always tough. He has remained pretty committed to no drinking in the week aside from one or two times. It’s really hard even though there is improvement. We have plans to sit down and talk about what next year is going to look like and what we’re both going to need from each other to make it work. We’ll see how we go!
    2 x
    HelpfulBee
    Community Builder
    Posts: 190
    Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2019 12:59 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Thu Dec 10, 2020 3:32 pm

    Hi [mention]Ally22[/mention] ,

    Thanks for keeping us updated! These sorts of things take time, and you're right, there are lots of ups and downs even when there is improvement.

    Sitting down to set goals for next year, and discuss ways to support each other is a such a positive and proactive thing to do. This gives you both the opportunity to really understand where the other person is coming from, and to ensure that you're both on the same page in terms of expectations. It also gives you both the opportunity to validate each other's experience and really be each other's cheer squad. I LOVE THIS!

    What sort of things were you hoping to discuss in this conversation? What sort of things do you want for you both in 2021?

    Looking forward to hearing from you soon,

    HelpfulBee
    1 x
    Starlee
    Junior Member
    Posts: 19
    Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2020 10:52 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Thu Jan 14, 2021 8:23 am

    [mention]Lady Bug[/mention]
    Things have been a lot better. I feel like he is more accountable to his family as his brothers will call just to check he’s doing ok. But they will also ask him straight out if he’s been drinking. He’s back to being kind and funny and the kids and I now have a good relationship with him. I know he still drinks but he continues to hide and deny it. It’s nothing compared to before and he must only have a couple as he’s not getting drunk or to the point he looks intoxicated. Hasn’t been drunk since everything blew up and family intervened. Deep down I know the problem is still there, he still refuses professional help but he’s trying his best. I hope everyone else is doing ok.
    2 x
    HelpfulBee
    Community Builder
    Posts: 190
    Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2019 12:59 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Sat Jan 16, 2021 1:58 pm

    Hi [mention]Starlee[/mention] ,

    It sounds like things have improved a bit in lots of ways, which is great to hear.

    However, it also sounds like there is a little way to go as well which is ok too, these things take time.

    Because you're in a good patch, it might be a good opportunity to think about plans for self-care and support if things were to become difficult again and to strengthen your foundation (so to speak). What sorts of self-care and supports do you have in place?

    Looking forward to hearing from you soon,

    - HelpfulBee
    1 x
    Starlee
    Junior Member
    Posts: 19
    Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2020 10:52 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Tue Feb 02, 2021 9:46 pm

    @HelpfulBee
    I need to vent tonight. I feel things are slowly sliding towards bad again and I don’t know what to do. He’s drinking most nights, though absolutely denies & lies about it. We never see him drinking but it’s obvious, eyes, behaviour etc. not drunk like before but somewhat affected. I just find myself clamming up, while everything I read says to be supportive etc. I literally freeze up as I don’t like confrontation and the constant challenge of being lied to and the excuses, defensiveness. He can stand there and swear black & blue he hasn’t drank yet he looks affected and he’s eftpos at the bottle shop!!
    Sorry I’m feeling all kinds of emotions now and just don’t know what to do next. He absolutely refuses professional help. Thank you for providing a safe place to vent. Xx
    1 x
    Bamboo [facilitator]
    Community Manager
    Posts: 222
    Joined: Mon Jun 15, 2020 7:46 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Wed Feb 03, 2021 9:21 am

    HI @Starlee thanks for sharing with us, it sounds like it was a difficult night for you last night. The forum is definitely a safe space to share what you are struggling with, with a key focus on recovery. I'm wondering if you were able to chat to one of our Counsellor's for some support? It always helps to talk it through. How are you doing this morning?
    0 x
    Starlee
    Junior Member
    Posts: 19
    Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2020 10:52 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Thu Feb 04, 2021 9:20 pm

    Thanks @Bamboo [facilitator]
    I felt like I’d over reacted the next morning. But tonight here we are again, he’s been drinking, upset as I’ve said something and in denial. I’m going home to stay at my parents for the weekend who are very supportive and help me deal with things. Thanks for checking up xx
    1 x
    Lady Bug
    Community Builder
    Posts: 152
    Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2019 10:49 am

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Mon Feb 08, 2021 3:34 pm

    Hi @Starlee

    Sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner, I've been away doing some of my own self-care.

    I'm so sorry to read you are going through this cycle... It sounds like he was doing a lot better and his relationships with everyone were changing...
    But then he slipped back into his drinking patterns and its become progressively worse.
    How did you go with staying at your parents house? You sound exhausted from it all

    The hardest part with a loved one with an addiction is that you feel so helpless. Sometimes nothing you try will make any difference. And it will wear you down :(

    Looking forward to hearing from you,

    Lady Bug
    0 x
    Starlee
    Junior Member
    Posts: 19
    Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2020 10:52 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Thu Feb 18, 2021 10:14 pm

    Hi @Lady Bug dont be sorry, I’m glad you’ve taken some time out for self care 😊
    Things have been better, while I was away his family gently intervened. I feel like he’s on the right path and may wander here and there and I will keep that open communication with his family so I’m not alone. They’ve been amazing.
    I feel the best I have been in a long time. I hope you are all doing ok xx
    1 x
    Bamboo [facilitator]
    Community Manager
    Posts: 222
    Joined: Mon Jun 15, 2020 7:46 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Fri Feb 19, 2021 9:07 am

    That's so great to hear @Starlee :) Thanks for giving us an update.
    1 x
    Lady Bug
    Community Builder
    Posts: 152
    Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2019 10:49 am

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Fri Feb 19, 2021 5:51 pm

    @Starlee
    That is so great you are feeling really good with it! So glad you got some support from his family, sometimes that's all it takes. You shouldn't have to carry the burden alone.
    Let us know how you go with it moving forward
    Sounds like its getting to a much better place :)
    1 x
    Ally22
    Junior Member
    Posts: 15
    Joined: Wed May 13, 2020 7:26 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Mon Feb 22, 2021 8:55 pm

    Hello all,
    It has been a while since I’ve been feeling the need to come here and share with you all.
    I received an email tonight checking in so I thought I’d post an update.
    My life has been a bit of a whirlwind of late.
    The Christmas/holiday period was tough, really tough. As I’m sure you all know to well.
    In the last 3 weeks I have moved to a small country town in the Australian outback (from Sydney!). I had a work opportunity that I jumped at. My partner has come with me, with the rule of any slip ups he has to go. Harsh but I cannot do another year of his pain and alcoholism. I do not have it in me. So far so good! Both working out, cooking together, bed together every night. He got a full time job here too. Feeling like myself... almost... if I catch myself feeling calm for too long the anxiety creeps in. But I know that will take time. I do wish he could understand the damage done a bit more. Don’t get me wrong he knows he’s hurt me, he’s sorry and would take it all back if he could. But I don’t think he really understands how this has changed me, how it still impacts me daily. I know he needs longer in his recovery before we can deal with that but it does make it hard to move forward.
    0 x
    HelpfulBee
    Community Builder
    Posts: 190
    Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2019 12:59 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Mon Feb 22, 2021 9:43 pm

    Hi @Ally83 ,

    Great seeing you here! Thank you for sharing your update.

    It truly sounds like you've had a whirlwind for a few weeks! It really sounds like you're both getting in the swing of things!

    Some people really thrive with a change of scenery. New environments, new people, new routines can do wonders. Change is possible.

    It sounds like you've liked through a truly challenging and difficult situation.. no wonder the anxiety creeps in. Your brain is trying to stay vigilant and is still on high alert. What coping strategies did you utilise last year to manage these difficult feelings?
    0 x
    Zephyr
    Moderator
    Posts: 24
    Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2020 2:30 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Mon Feb 22, 2021 10:26 pm

    Hi @Ally22 ,

    Thank you for taking the time to come back online and share with us how you've been going.

    Wow! You certainly have made some very big changes in your life since Christmas, I hope you are enjoying the new job and the change of scenery too. This is a perfect opportunity for a relationship reset and you have done well by setting those limits with your partner.

    It is perfectly normal / understandable that you are going through a period of time where the trust is shaky and creeps back in moments of calm. It is early days and this really is one of those situations where time will tell, and if things keep going smoothly, time will heal.

    Has anyone else here got any thoughts to share with us and Ally22 about this?
    0 x
    StephenShort
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Wed Mar 03, 2021 7:01 am

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Wed Mar 03, 2021 7:01 am

    People often choose with their heart and that can lead to their own unhappiness... This is why when you feel it's time to leave, just leave. No matter how much you love him, your person is more important. This may sound selfish, but it's the truth. Every specialist is saying that you should put your own self first, see for yourself on breakupangels.com, for example. Also, this could have a negative consequence on your relationship. It's hard not to feel responsible for him, but we're humans and we need to take care of ourselves first... Talk him into going to therapy or rehab. This way you'll be much calmer... And if he doesn't want to, that's his choice.
    0 x

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