My partner doesn't think he has a problem, and it's getting worse
My partner is a long time cannabis user. When we first met a decade ago, he was sober. We lost touch for a few years and when we met again and began the relationship, he was smoking a mind-blowing amount. At his worst, he was smoking long joints all day every day as if they were cigarettes. He was working every day for his dealer in lieu for drugs to support the habit. I have always hated it, but held out hope he would one day return to sobriety.
Our son was born in December. Throughout the pregnancy he expressed a desire to eventually quit, which of course I was delighted about. When he was born, he stopped working for his dealer and started cutting down until eventually he quit. He lasted two weeks until he started up again. This in itself wasn't the end of the world as relapse is part of recovery, but his change in mindset was what worried me. He went from wanting to quit to saying he enjoyed it, and why should he have to quit? He started with a sneaky joint to cap off the night, but soon he was smoking several joints a night. He reassured me he had no desire to smoke it in the day, it would remain a night time thing. And so, I begrudgingly tolerated it, as I struggled to find a reason for him to stop other than 'I don't want you to smoke'.
Over the last couple of months, I've noticed him having a joint as early as 5pm. This worried me again as I knew he was starting to smoke more and more, and I was noticing him start to be quite vague and forget random things. Today, I smelt it on him at lunch time. I can't tell you the awful sinking feeling I experienced when I realised. I decided finally to broach the subject again.
He admitted that yes, he has been smoking during the day occasionally. Then he started saying things like it was just a thing he enjoyed in life, it was part of his DNA, it was like a nice little snack for him etc etc. He challenged me to find a reason it was affecting the family negatively. I said I didn't feel comfortable with him driving our baby son around when he was stoned. He said there wasn't an issue, he learned to drive stoned and said it didn't affect his driving ability. I then said my main worry was that I didn't want our son growing up around heavy, casual drug use. He was offended by this and said he won't be smoking when our son is older. I am struggling more and more to trust him on his word as he said he wouldn't smoke during the day, yet here we are.
The thing is, I feel like I am losing my mind because he acts as if there is no good reason to quit, and that the reasons I give are arbitrary. He becomes distant and withholds affection every time I broach the subject, so I am scared to bring it up and am faced with a choice - ignore what he's doing for the sake of calm waters and uphold a happy facade while I'm losing it on the inside, or bring it up and be accused of attacking him and face the cold shoulder for an indeterminate amount of time. He likes to mention that I knew what I was getting into at the start, and if I don't like it then I shouldn't have 'chosen' to fall in love with him in the first place.
Reading all of that, it makes him sound like a monster and a no-brainer that I should pack up and leave. However, the truth is he is a fantastic, heavily involved father who cherishes his son. He has a lot of great qualities and without the weed, life would be pretty great. As it is, I feel depressed, worried for the future and trapped.
I don't know what to do. He is a highly emotional person, and trying to have a rational discussion about it often turns into a nonsensical argument. He has had outbursts in the past and I do not want to provoke another one. Ultimatums won't work, gentle encouragement doesn't work, pleading doesn't work. I just don't know what to do other than sit back, wait, and hope he keeps his word. I just don't know how to make him understand. I just don't know. I feel very lost.