Page 1 of 1

How do you all keep going when there is no trust

Posted: Thu Dec 03, 2020 7:36 am
by jaebeealways25
Hi,
My husband is an alcoholic and 2 months ago I discovered he was also using ice and dexamphetamines. He also takes prescription antidepressants, so a lot of things for the body to have on board. We have 5 school aged kids at home together and he has 2 older kids, not living with us.
What I’m really struggling with is believing or trusting anything he says or does. His just got back from 1 month away for work, I don’t know if he used ice whilst away, he said he didn’t and I tend to believe him, but he certainly drank and I do think he had access to dexamphetamine.
This for me is the straw that broke the camels back, I was struggling with the alcohol abuse and the mood swings, but the drugs and the lies have pushed me to a dark, angry, bitter, resentful place where I’m struggling to support him and I definitely don’t trust him. How do people get past this? Can you get past this?
For me it is a work partner that is his dealer, there is just the two of them, they have worked together for 23 years, so knowing he has that constant access to ice and dexamphetamines leaves me constantly in doubt. They have recently decided to not work together after I asked my husband to leave, and he tells me they have cut all ties, but I also know in the 4 days his been home his met with him 3 of those days and 2 of those occasions were behind my back and in secret. When I confronted him he gets defensive and tells me it’s just to lend him tools for a job his doing (they are now out on their own business wise)- I want to believe it but I can’t, and I get angry and upset and we just end up arguing. I’ve also found a heap of dexamphetamines in his car since his returned, I haven’t said anything to him about them, but his telling me his drug free for 1 month now.
I just can’t see a way forward if I am constantly doubting him, checking up on him and failing to trust him. I don’t know now if I am just going crazy or this is normal, how do people in this situation get through these steps in the beginning and into the future?

Re: How do you all keep going when there is no trust

Posted: Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:02 am
by Hermes
Hey jaebeealways25 You definitely have a lot going on in your relationship and it is understandable you are feeling overwhelmed and not trusting. Trust is one of those things that once lost can be harder to regain. Yet you are sounding like you want to have that hope and to make things work.

In answer to your questions "I just can’t see a way forward if I am constantly doubting him, checking up on him and failing to trust him. I don’t know now if I am just going crazy or this is normal, how do people in this situation get through these steps in the beginning and into the future?", I can say people and and do find ways through these situations.
I wonder what you have been able to do so far so that you dont feel so overwhelmed?

As well, I wonder what other people on the forums have experienced and have found to be helpful for them?

Re: How do you all keep going when there is no trust

Posted: Sun Feb 21, 2021 12:32 pm
by Leonarda
Hey @jaebeealways25 thanks for posting and sharing your story - it looks like you got some good support from @Hermes too - how are you going at this stage - it sounds like it has been an overwhelming situation for you but that you have also managed with the resources you have. I wonder what others have done to help them through situations like this and what has helped?

Re: How do you all keep going when there is no trust

Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2021 10:18 pm
by PnorkelPW
Hi @jaebeealways25 this is a really tough situation and it's one only you have the answer to. It's gonna come down to your boundaries and how much more you can put up with. It'll also be about whether you're willing to work through it with him and whether he's willing to make change.

Trust can definitely be regained but it'll take time. It'll take communication and clear expectations. You can support him through making the necessary changes but if he isn't working with you then it'll be about doing what's best for you and your kids.

It doesn't sound like you're going crazy, it sounds like you're making decisions based on an evidence base built up over time..........and I'm speaking as someone who was in the position your partner is right now.

What is it you want from him? What is it you need from him? What are your expectations and how will you measure if they are being met?

As I said at the start, only you have the answer to this and the answer isn't always easy but if you can clearly establish your needs it will go a long way to discovering if he is able to regain your trust again.

I've seen it happen. It is possible. It just that it takes both of you to be working in the same direction towards mutual goals.

I hope this helps.