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  • Relapsed, feeling alone and guilty

    The impact of ICE/Methamphetamine use can be significant and problematic. Join this forum to find support and conversations on changing ICE use and recovery.
    cerena
    Junior Member
    Posts: 2
    Joined: Thu Apr 01, 2021 5:49 pm

    Relapsed, feeling alone and guilty

    Thu Apr 01, 2021 5:57 pm

    It's my first time on a forum like this so please be kind. I already know how bad I've messed everything up and have relapsed after 2-3 weeks off of ice - mostly due to being hospitalised for reasons somewhat pertaining to my drug use but now I just feel useless, helpless, a slave to this sh*t. I've been rejected by many professionals and support for being too complex and now I'm slipping back down to a place where I feel so guilty as I can't talk to anyone I know about it.

    I don't know if anyone here can help in any way but I'd be extremely grateful as I don't want to give up hope entirely and I strongly believe that everyone deserves chances, help, even if they have complicated health issues or addictions etc.
    1 x
    Pinky
    Moderator
    Posts: 62
    Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2020 1:04 pm

    Re: Relapsed, feeling alone and guilty

    Fri Apr 02, 2021 12:02 am

    Hi @cerena , welcome to the forum. i am sure you will have many people connecting in and supporting you. Its positive you have reached out.

    Kind regards

    Pinky Moderator
    1 x
    Missy13
    Junior Member
    Posts: 10
    Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 9:40 am

    Re: Relapsed, feeling alone and guilty

    Sat Apr 03, 2021 2:29 am

    hey hun,
    I know how you feel i was off it for a month and slipped up again. i feel as though i will never get better and no one understands the hold ice has on you. Its like it has this power over you that you can not fight, even if you try it wins. I am getting back on track now and just keeping thinking positive. I'm here if you want to chat, i know how hard it is.
    3 x
    Deyfhob
    Member
    Posts: 40
    Joined: Mon Apr 12, 2021 3:31 am

    Re: Relapsed, feeling alone and guilty

    Mon Apr 12, 2021 12:16 pm

    @cerena I’m not sure if you’re still on here but I definitely know that feeling well. If you need support and someone to talk to please feel free to share with me without fear of judgement. I slipped so many times after trying to get off ice, I have now been clean for 14 months and please believe me when I tell you it does get easier to not only get off it but stay off it as well
    4 x
    Katiee
    Member
    Posts: 52
    Joined: Wed Sep 25, 2019 10:54 pm

    Re: Relapsed, feeling alone and guilty

    Sun Apr 25, 2021 3:46 am

    Don’t feel bad, sometimes relapse is apart of the recovery. If I were to relapse I have a plan to use it as a learning curve. I would try and find out what triggered me to use and relapse, so I can make a plan for the future and hopefully plan to avoid that trigger. There is so much guilt and shame attached to drug use, we don’t need to add anymore onto to it then it already is. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and take each day one day at a time. You can do this.
    4 x
    TheDees
    Moderator
    Posts: 155
    Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 4:29 pm

    Re: Relapsed, feeling alone and guilty

    Mon Apr 26, 2021 12:27 pm

    Hi @cerena,

    Wondering how have you been doing since we last heard from you?

    Please reach out at anytime. We're here for you.

    The Team.
    :)
    0 x
    EtherealAngel111
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Mon Jul 19, 2021 4:50 am

    Re: Relapsed, feeling alone and guilty

    Mon Jul 19, 2021 5:34 am

    This is my first time using this forum, not even sure if it’s still active but for a shot. I’m 23 and have had an addiction to meth since I was 17. Around 19 I experienced my first drug induced psychosis. Every time it happened more permanent damage was done to me mental health. I reached a breaking point when by 21, everything in my life was poisoned, I felt so lost and helpless. Something inside of me was so strong, it intuitively pulled me to pack my bags and run away to find a life clean of meth.
    I’ve been clean for the most part of two years, besides a handful of times in between, but I’m now experiencing my first relapse and have been using every day for the past month. I’m concerned because I know I’m already addicted again, and really don’t want to stop. At the same time I have worked so hard to work on my life and make it something fulfilling, and I don’t want to ruin that. I’m managing my life and addiction, and am still meeting commitments ect, but I’m aware there’s no way I can maintain it for good. Ive been going through this relapse completely alone, i haven’t told anyone because I feel so ashamed. I just wish that I had someone I could tell so going through this didn’t feel so isolating. Anyways, I know it’s okay and this will teach me more about my addiction, and how to get better for the long term. I trust myself, I know that I will make the right decision for me.
    2 x
    Peace Dove
    Community Builder
    Posts: 254
    Joined: Mon May 03, 2021 9:22 am

    Re: Relapsed, feeling alone and guilty

    Mon Jul 19, 2021 10:46 am

    Hi @EtherealAngel111,

    Welcome to the forums! It can be daunting to share your story for the first time, so well done! I'm really sorry to hear you've been struggling with meth for a couple of years now. Having packed your bags and ran away from this addiction at some point in your life really shows your awareness of the negative impacts it was having in various areas, such as your mental health. Kudos for having stayed clean for such a long time, this really shows your determination and inner strength. Relapses are a common part of this journey but with every relapse, we gain a greater understanding of the addiction cycle and its consequences. Your concern is justifiable and understandable, of course you don't want to ruin what you've work so hard for. Although you're managing to maintain a functional life while using, sounds like you're aware it's not sustainable in the long-term.

    I'm also really sorry to hear you're going through this alone. It's really hard to open up about an addiction with friends and family. Hopefully you can think of someone you could share this with, they might even surprise you and be more understanding than you're expecting them to be. But I absolutely understand the shame is a massive barrier. Even if putting the shame aside, sometimes our friends and family don't even have the tools or knowledge to best support us. I just want you to know you're not alone! You've come to the right place to find peer support, this is a safe and non-judgemental space, where you can connect with people that understand addiction, such as our peer workers @ScorpionPW and @PnorkelPW. I would also like to introduce you to some other members that have gone through a similar struggle to yours @Katiee and @Deyfhob.

    Last but not least, please reach out at anytime. Let us know how're going. We're here for you. :)
    1 x
    PnorkelPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 196
    Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2021 3:14 pm

    Re: Relapsed, feeling alone and guilty

    Mon Jul 19, 2021 9:56 pm

    @EtherealAngel111 good on you for reaching out and I can assure you that the forum is still active.........Welcome!

    Congratulations on getting back on track for the two years. It proves you can do it if you want to and it’s great that you’re realising where things are for you while you’re still managing meet all your commitments. Seems like a great time to be thinking about making the necessary changes.

    Guilt, shame and remorse………..3 things I carried with me for far too many years and mostly because I could never admit to myself or anyone else just how bad things actually were. You’ve admitted it to yourself which is awesome even though you say you don’t want to stop.

    I think the questions I’d be asking myself are:

    - What started this relapse?
    - What worked for me last time I wanted to stop?
    - What have I stopped doing that I need to get back to?
    - Who can I take a chance and talk to?
    - What is it I’m using it to get away from?
    - What services can I contact for support?

    I share this with people a lot but the longer I stayed silent the more control my addictions had. I was feeding them with my fear and doubt. Allowing them to grow stronger because I was alone. When I spoke to my GP things that was the beginning of the change process………..and confidential. My GP was able to start pointing me in the right direction and at my own pace I started to explore the supports that were available.

    You’re not alone but the meth wants to tell you that you are. You’ve started by sharing with us so you’ve already told someone. Why not continue talking about it?

    I’d love to hear how you’re travelling moving forwards so please tag @ScorpionPW or me and we’ll share the journey with you.
    2 x
    ScorpionPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 225
    Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2021 10:06 am

    Re: Relapsed, feeling alone and guilty

    Wed Jul 21, 2021 9:49 pm

    Wow, thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing that with us @EtherealAngel111.

    The fact that you managed to stay off it for the better part of 2 years is a huge achievement and I guess it's you proving to yourself that you can do it.

    I remember the times when I was using while trying to keep everything else going in my life, it ended up being so exhausting and I could never keep it going for long. The drugs would always end up being the priority and it would get to the point where getting on would have to come first and everything else would come after that until all of those external things would just drop away one by one until I was back in the same place again so I can really relate to what you're saying.

    I hear that you feel ashamed but try not to be too hard on yourself. Sometimes our addiction is something that we're powerless to overcome on our own and that's not because of any shortcomings or moral failings, it's just the nature of it as a chronic health condition.

    In saying that you don't want to stop as well, I totally get that. I didn't get into recovery because I hate drugs, I did it because I reached such a rock bottom that I knew I had no other choice. Maybe writing a list of pros and cons could help you to see what it brings into your life and what it takes?

    If you want any info on any other support groups you can access that are confidential and where you can relate to others in a mutual space just let us know, even if you just want to be in a group where you can be supported to manage your use more effectively, to cut down or to stop completely. There's a lot of different kinds of peer groups that you can go to depending on what your goals are. Just know that you're not alone and the supports are there whenever you're ready to reach out for them :)
    0 x
    EtherealAngel111
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Mon Jul 19, 2021 4:50 am

    Re: Relapsed, feeling alone and guilty

    Mon Aug 02, 2021 2:32 am

    @ScorpionPW Thankyou for the beautiful message back, it’s encouraging to not feel so alone going through this.
    I’m still using, but I have reached out through my doctor and am going to see a psychologist soon which I’m looking forward too - I can get to the root of my traumas and heal so I can better understand what leads me to use in the first place.
    On the other hand it’s slowly starting to get harder to manage everyday tasks, and I’m falling behind in my uni work and finding the work load overwhelming. The addiction feels like its more important than the other important things going on in my life. I say “i don’t want to stop” but i do… and especially before hitting rock bottom, I never want to be where I was 2 years ago ever again… I want to be able to quit before reaching that point.
    I just wish I could be a normal twenty something year old and be doing normal things and enjoying life with friends.
    This peer group sounds great and am definitely interested.
    3 x
    Calvino01
    Community Builder
    Posts: 213
    Joined: Tue Jan 29, 2019 4:05 pm

    Re: Relapsed, feeling alone and guilty

    Mon Aug 02, 2021 2:53 am

    Hi @EtherealAngel111
    The process of the cycle can sure be tiresome with reoccurring thoughts and feelings constantly circulating.
    Good on you for organising a Psychologist for further support, its a big step in itself. Try taking one day at a time, figure out a plan for yourself for when times feel tough, think of what you can do or who you can reach out to in those moments.

    What helps you to feel more relaxed in times where stress levels are high and triggering for you?
    0 x
    ScorpionPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 225
    Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2021 10:06 am

    Re: Relapsed, feeling alone and guilty

    Mon Aug 02, 2021 8:50 pm

    I'm just glad you're reaching out here and to hear that you're seeking help is so great @EtherealAngel111!

    The place where you're at sounds similar to where I've been a number of times. It's like where I can feel the addiction slowly gaining more traction and everything else slowly becoming more unmanageable, knowing where it's going to end up but not quite knowing how to stop it or what to about it, I found it a really scary place to be in the end....the good news is you have your own evidence that you can do it and you absolutely can get back to that place of freedom you once had.

    Ahhhh that word, "normal"....I struggled with that word for a long time. For so long just not knowing what was wrong with me before I learnt about the nature of addiction. Seeing everybody around me just use substances differently, it was like I was affected in a way others weren't and didn't understand why. I was so upset and frustrated that I wasn't normal like others around me. Then I learnt that the way I react to drugs is something I can't control and something I have to learn to live with. By not picking up the first one I'm ok, that's all I need to worry about. If I don't pick up then I can live a life beyond my wildest dreams and completely free from my addiction...whether or not that is normal or not im not sure haha?

    It's nice to reflect on that too so thank you for sharing that :)

    In terms of peer groups there's some different ones.

    Theres Narcotics Anonymous which is a 12 step fellowship. It is abstinence based but the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using. So you can go to NA meetings whatever state you're in and get support. There is a lot of people there at all stages of recovery from trying to get clean, to days, to months, to years in recovery. It's where a lot of people go when they've tried everything else and the 12 step program ends up being what they need to get the lasting behavioural change and new connection in life necessary for on going recovery. You can have a look at the website and meetings list, there's face to face groups and Zoom groups as well:

    https://www.navic.net.au/

    Theres also SMART Recovery. SMART Recovery is more harm minimisation based. You can go to SMART groups to work on any behaviour or substance use issue that you feel is unmanageable and that you want help getting control over. Some people there will be seeking abstinence, others will be attempting to control or minimise the harm of their substance use. Either way you can progress with week to week micro goal setting in an environment where the group participants support each other with the progression of their goals. Same thing here with face to face and online groups:

    https://smartrecoveryaustralia.com.au/

    I hope this helps somewhat and I hope you continue to reach out on here :D
    0 x

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