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  • 2 steps forward,2 steps back!

    The impact of ICE/Methamphetamine use can be significant and problematic. Join this forum to find support and conversations on changing ICE use and recovery.
    Alaok
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Thu Feb 25, 2021 7:09 am

    2 steps forward,2 steps back!

    Thu Feb 25, 2021 7:39 am

    I'd lost everything and almost all of myself for quite a large chunk of my life.Many bad choices were made and substance abuse became a habit,and my norm.This was up until 17 months ago,where I grew tired of breathing but not really living.I hated I had no one left that cared.Was over the drug game and definitely over the shame!! So decided then and there to knuckle down and get my shit together.
    Done really good to get myself to a place where I feel proud of what I've achieved and for trying my best to stay strong and positive on a daily.
    But I feel I've gone fcked it all in the space of 2-3wks.
    First lapse I didn't feel strongly about diving in again in a hurry..second time was a hit!!! That one got me and so I thought stuff it,go get one more time but it'll be your last...wrong! 3 more times later and here I am... doubtful and lost!
    Knowing full well the consequences and possible outcomes I chose to do it anyway.I sit here bashing my mind to find a justification or an excuse and there is none! Deep down I know that too.
    I'm reaching out here for the first time in hopes I can gain the courage I need to get myself some personal help and some serious support networks,as I'm feeling I'm starting to lose my grip!

    Thanks guys
    2 x
    Pinky
    Moderator
    Posts: 48
    Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2020 1:04 pm

    Re: 2 steps forward,2 steps back!

    Thu Feb 25, 2021 7:51 am

    Hi @Alaok , good on you for coming on here for support....lapse and relapse is a part of recovery but its what you do next that's important...and reaching for out is the right track. I am sure other people using this forum will connect and support you. I encourage you to get into all the supports and strategies you had when you stopped in the past. You've done it before and am sure you can again. All the best on the journey. Cheers Pinky (mod)
    1 x
    Alaok
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Thu Feb 25, 2021 7:09 am

    Re: 2 steps forward,2 steps back!

    Thu Feb 25, 2021 8:01 am

    Thanks for your encouragement and positive support! I really appreciate it!
    2 x
    Calvino01
    Community Builder
    Posts: 189
    Joined: Tue Jan 29, 2019 4:05 pm

    Re: 2 steps forward,2 steps back!

    Thu Feb 25, 2021 12:55 pm

    Hi there @Alaok !

    Welcome! Good on you for reaching out on the forums!
    Lapsing can be difficult to process at times, the most important part is what you learn from these experiences and the fact that you were able to gather your strength and reach out for further support! Well done!
    The journey towards becoming free from substances can be rather rocky at times and quite overwhelming.
    What would say would be your main triggers/urges at this time?
    1 x
    Alaok
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Thu Feb 25, 2021 7:09 am

    Re: 2 steps forward,2 steps back!

    Thu Feb 25, 2021 5:02 pm

    Hi and thank you for your kind reply! After reaching out on here and reading through a few topics in this forum I found myself no longer pondering on my next move,and knew I exactly what I had to do.After gaining enough strength I contacted my supportive (now ex) case worker,and filled her in on my goings on.As anxious as it made me feel I also felt instant relief and knew it would only be beneficial that I did! She allowed me to let flow how I've been feeling,what I've been thinking abour lately and what's been happening for me the past few weeks.
    After I said what I needed,she helped me to clear my mind and break it all down and I was just amazed at finding out there were underlying issues that I didn't even recognise,on top of the more present stuff I did recognise and felt weighed alot on me.
    I found I have a new trigger, and that's accepting and allowing myself to be happy,free and living life in a whole new light.As my history,much like others,has been quite a dark and sad place.or so many years,I still find it hard to accept and be proud of myself for making some really big changes to my lifestyle.I'm not used to feeling this way and I was quietly self sabotaging it by thoughts that I don't deserve to be in this good place,I should be doing better than I am etc..all negative and unecessary thoughts that I know will have me take those 2 steps back,making it an easy way out. I need to keep reminding myself that I am worthy and I am wanted on this Earth..Embracing and learning a little more each day I move forward.I was also aware that it was nearing my eldest daughters 21st bdy,that for unfortunate reasons, I was not able to spend with her! So that was there in the back of my mind and a part of my spiralling down! When it comes close to any of their birthdays I feel low and sometimes I'm able to ride that emotion out and sometimes it's just to hard.
    I start to feel the guilt and shame of having put them through hell for years,but I'm so keen to show them there are other ways to deal with tough things that happen in life other than settling for an abusive relationship and drugs and/or alcohol.
    Tomorrow is a brand new day and I'm feeling ready! Living and learning as I go!
    Thanks for your support and encouragement of me reaching out.I never knew how much this would actually help me,but it definitely has!
    1 x
    HelpfulBee
    Community Builder
    Posts: 189
    Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2019 12:59 pm

    Re: 2 steps forward,2 steps back!

    Thu Feb 25, 2021 5:44 pm

    Hi @Alaok !

    You've had a huge day - congratulations on recognising what you needed to do for yourself and doing it! That's a tremendous skill, and something you should feel really proud of, especially as you've been self-sabotaging.

    You are incredibly insightful and are making tremendous progress.

    It sounds like you've got some really helpful strategies in place already, what are they?

    Thank you for sharing your journey with us, we really look forward to learning more about you and seeing you around here more! :)
    2 x
    Calvino01
    Community Builder
    Posts: 189
    Joined: Tue Jan 29, 2019 4:05 pm

    Re: 2 steps forward,2 steps back!

    Thu Mar 11, 2021 12:10 pm

    Really loving the determination @Alaok !
    Its amazing how insight. understanding, awareness and a little bit of soul searching could go a long way in the process of breaking a cycle/habit!
    There will be days where it may feel more challenging then others and thats okay, that is normal. Its just about how you approach it,
    Well done. Looking forward to hearing more of your journey :)
    1 x

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