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  • Self Sabotage or dependency?

    The impact of ICE/Methamphetamine use can be significant and problematic. Join this forum to find support and conversations on changing ICE use and recovery.
    AnonNew
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Sun Feb 28, 2021 9:30 pm

    Self Sabotage or dependency?

    Sun Feb 28, 2021 10:12 pm

    Hi there,

    New here. Trying to find new ways and resources that I can cling to for dear life, hoping out of all the things I try, I find something that really helps me.
    I was in daily active addiction for several years, a few years ago now. I was young, I wasn't working, sometimes the way I like to explain that period of my life, is that it felt like I went out to a friends one night, like any other night, only this time this one night out turned into 5 years. I was in a very bad place, physically, mentally, emotionally... and yes, a large part of that was because of the drug use.

    I remember having no money... sitting on my bed one night, possibly 3/4 in the morning, because id just gambled all the money I had in my account on online gambling sites, again.. and I was distraught.... I remember being so miserable, so hopeless, so devastated, so broken.... i just rocked back and forth crying, talking to myself, begging myself to pull me out of this mess... I begged to myself for months to help myself....

    I started applying for jobs... and to my surprise I got a job I REALLY wanted, however a job I felt I wasn't good enough for. I went to the interview terrified of rejection, but i still went anyway..... to my surprise, I got this job.... I felt almost undeserving of this job. So I took it seriously. 3 years later I still walk into my building feeling like an imposter... especially before christmas when I was given a promotion, that I actually did not want... my boss felt I was ready, I felt like I was not.

    Because, over the last 3 years, i have found myself still using here and there, on weekends, with friends, never workdays, never alone, not once ever. However, even recreational use has riddled me with anxiety these passed few years. Because its stopped me from ever feeling secure in my job because my addiction still lingers. I feel like i could loose everything tomorrow. I felt i was not in a position to take on more responsibilities at work, while I was in therapy and working on my recovery outside of work.

    Fast forward to now - Since sometime before christmas... around the time of the promotion... and even more so between Christmas and now... my use has spiralled right out of control. I'm using every week, I'm gambling my whole pay... my birthday was in Feb. so leading up to my birthday it was important I didn't use AT ALL.... which has caused me to do the opposite... the week of my birthday I used everyday. Workdays, weekdays.... left myself with no money..... no control at all... I'm not myself at all, or am I? I've done this before...

    Now that my birthday has passed, I seem to have calmed down again.... But it is all still really recent, so I'm concerned and I also don't know what the hell I'm even doing..... I feel like i could loose everything tomorow..... why am I doing this to myself when I don't want this? I hate using... so why use? I see an AOD counsellor. I do meetings.... and now I'm here doing this, I'm desperate to find anything that might help me, before I loose it all. I will try anything.

    What has helped you?
    4 x
    Calvino01
    Community Builder
    Posts: 205
    Joined: Tue Jan 29, 2019 4:05 pm

    Re: Self Sabotage or dependency?

    Mon Mar 01, 2021 5:18 am

    Welcome to the forums @AnonNew
    I'm Calvino one of the facilitators here.

    Thankyou for being so open and honest with us all about your journey through to recovery. It takes a lot of strength to go through the hurdles of trying to tackle addiction.
    Its great to hear you have all the support networks in place for yourself!
    Take one day at a time, remind yourself of those overwhelming feelings you tend to experience when you use. Recognize that substances are only a temporary fix with no long term solution.
    This is a safe and supportive community here on the forums and i hope you find it useful :)
    2 x
    pdm411
    Junior Member
    Posts: 28
    Joined: Sun Feb 14, 2021 1:00 pm

    Re: Self Sabotage or dependency?

    Mon Mar 01, 2021 10:21 pm

    Hi @AnonNew
    You've really opened up, takes a lot of guts to do that.
    Being honest with ourselves is the first little step in recovery. I have no answers for you but will say do it for you, stay positive, keep trying, be kind to yourself you will succeed.
    It took a significant life event, which my drinking caused, for me to really sit back and look at myself, be brutally honest with myself, and to get serious about sobriety, 16 days dry and counting.
    Take care and good luck 🤘
    4 x

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