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  • Just a thought

    The impact of ICE/Methamphetamine use can be significant and problematic. Join this forum to find support and conversations on changing ICE use and recovery.
    Junior Member
    Posts: 10
    Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 9:40 am

    Just a thought

    Tue Aug 10, 2021 1:14 am

    Hey all

    Its been a month or so since ive last been on . And i was doing well for a bit, but like many i relapsed again.
    Over the past month or so ive been writing a lot of peoms and getting my felings out in hopes that it will help in some way, that i would have this big break through and id be fixed. And while it was hepling in some way it also made me realise how much hurt and anger i have inside, It made me realise how utterly broken i am, how alone i am and how much of myself is gone and so... here is a little of what ive been writing....

    I sat there, alone in the darkness thinking how did i let this happen, how did it get to this point. and i didnt have a answer i dont have a answer. i sat and i just let the darkness slowly take over, i let it in little by little untill there was only the smallest light right in the middle of my soul.

    And i thought that would be enough, for when the time came i could find my way back, i could save myself. But it was like the ground opened up and swallowed me whole
    The darkness took over, its darkness so black it eats your soul. its so utterly crushing you feel like you died, no you wish you had died. Cause what it does to you is worse than death. It takes you, all of you and devoures your entire being. Untill you are nothing but a empty shell of the person you once were.

    i dont know maybe its just me .But is there anyone who gets this?
    2 x
    Posts: 158
    Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2019 4:27 pm

    Re: Just a thought

    Tue Aug 10, 2021 1:50 am

    Hi @Missy13 ,

    Writing as well as journalling is thought to be a great way of expressing and unlocking thoughts and feelings.

    Sharing this may prompt some other members to join in and contribute some of what they do also.

    Good to see you back on the forum.

    1 x
    Community Builder
    Posts: 304
    Joined: Tue May 04, 2021 9:59 am

    Re: Just a thought

    Tue Aug 10, 2021 10:34 am

    hey @Missy13

    Thank you so much for sharing this, I can hear the fear and anger that you're feeling. I'm sorry you're feeling alone right now, do you have anyone who knows whats going on who you can talk to? We're also always here for you. @PnorkelPW has talked about his journaling and how important it has been for his recovery, he might have some more words of encouragement. Your writing is incredibly beautiful, I',m really glad you have an outlet like this!

    Relapses are hard, but they are a normal aspect of recovery, the fact that you had a period doing well is great, no matter how long it was. It can be useful to see relapses as a learning experience, is there anything you can tale away fro this relapse that can help you moving forward, any triggers etc?

    let us know how you're travelling @Missy13
    0 x
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 259
    Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2021 10:06 am

    Re: Just a thought

    Wed Aug 11, 2021 9:44 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful writing with us @Missy13.

    I can really relate to your words, letting the darkness in little by little until feeling like an empty shell and wondering what happened. Thinking I could save myself as well, getting really frustrated with myself that I kept ending up in the same place, in despair and desperation no matter what I did.

    This caused me to really reflect on my low points in addiction and my last rock bottom I reached before I realised I needed to be completely abstinent and I needed help from others who had been through what I had but who had found a new way to live. It wasn't until I realised this and started going to 12 step meetings that my recovery took shape and I started to actually experience signicant change in my life, and freedom from my addiction.

    It is true that it's important not to be hard on yourself for relapsing, all I would encourage is for when you feel like it is time to try and stop again you can use it as an opportunity to think about what you could do differently this time and what led you to pick up?

    I'm wondering if you have any other supports around you at the moment?
    2 x
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 235
    Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2021 3:14 pm

    Re: Just a thought

    Thu Aug 12, 2021 9:14 pm

    @Missy13 I just want to say THANK YOU

    Thank you for opening up, getting vulnerable and sharing from the heart. I really identified with your writing and it took me back……..took me back to times when I wondered if things were ever going to change and if I would ever be “fixed” as you said. I remember looking at photos of myself through those times and seeing a deadness behind my eyes. Thing is though………..it’s those dark times that led to this extended period of recovery that I’ve found. I need you to know that there is hope.

    By the time I hit rehab the only word I had to describe myself was broken. What I discovered there was that where I’d been going wrong was trying to do it all alone. I wasn’t strong enough to do it alone and there is no shame in admitting that because admitting it is what keeps me on the right track today. Every time I got some time up and then relapsed I tried to do it alone. I distanced myself from those close to me and fought a publicly private battle. People knew what I was trying to do but they didn’t understand the struggles that were happening behind my eyes……………I didn’t even understand it at that stage………..but I do now. I couldn’t save myself but by letting other people in I was able to get the help I needed.

    I’ve discovered that I’ll never be fixed from my disease but if I continue to acknowledge it and accept it as part of my life then I can do the things that are necessary to keep it at bay and enable me to remain in recovery. It was in rehab that I found journalling too………..every day for almost 6 years I’ve journaled. This is where I get the thoughts you so beautifully expressed out of my head. This is how they lose their power over me because thoughts are just thoughts and emotions are natural. We need to be able to ride the waves that come with our issues and sometimes the only way to do that is to write them down. Of everything that’s kept me in recovery journaling is the one thing that I’ve never let slip. I’m scared to because of the relief it offers me.

    I hope that you look back on these dark times one day soon as a driver to keeping you out of addiction. For me it’s never wanting to end up back there that keeps me focused. Addiction took me to such deep, dark places that I never want to go back. There’s been times where I’ve felt I might be slipping or that maybe I might want to go back and use substances again but I’m reminded of where it took me…………….EVERY SINGLE TIME. It took me to the dark places you expressed.

    So thank you………..thank you for sharing and reminding me why I want to stay in recovery. Sometimes we need to be broken down to a shell to get rid of all the darkness. This is when you rebuild but you need help to do it. I encourage you to share with others………do you have a drug and alcohol counsellor, GP, psychologist or some family you can share with. Have you thought of SMART Recovery or 12 step such as AA or NA.

    Keep writing because you have a real talent for conveying your feeleings.................and please keep sharing with us because there is hope and we’re here to help……..@ScorpionPW would love to share this part of the journey with you.
    1 x
    Peace Dove
    Community Builder
    Posts: 306
    Joined: Mon May 03, 2021 9:22 am

    Re: Just a thought

    Mon Sep 20, 2021 8:57 am

    Hi @Missy13,
    It's been about a month since your last post, so I just wanted to pop in and ask how you have been since then?
    0 x
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2021 12:12 am

    Re: Just a thought

    Wed Oct 13, 2021 12:55 am

    Hi 👋 just a thort in reply and also some food for thort about DRUGS in general ...
    Iam a 48 yr old male whom never ever ever ever thought I'd be affected in any way shape or form with drugs (illicit) prescription over the counter or I dare say illegal in any situation in my life .
    I never ever ever ever put myself within reach of this situation at all I indulged in gambling drinking and lots of blissful sexual encounters of all different situations (remember too always raincoat up ) STDS are no good.. for a quick visit too chemist works a few bucks and your protected in more ways than one .. except when your bum but get exploded by a situation and I do miss so dearly ...

    Now back too the situation at hand ..
    As I was saying (just a thort) ..
    My situation was AFG up until things seem too go very pearshaped quickly in a downward 👇 spiral that I guess if you weren't a little switched on because when things sent rite things arnt rite ..
    In my situation I lost everything all my family friends work associates absolutely everyone all loved ones including my children and my closest and dearest soul mate angel 👼 and my ROCK!!..
    I have been overwhelmed by AFP AFB NFI AFG and I still have no idea what so ever ..
    The situation that I've endured with my greatest and dearest not only believer and closest human identity including her most prized and treasured (special) wonderful and champ in more ways than any person could imagine her (children) which somehow not by (Scientology) tho are all inbeded in the same terrible situation that is really out of control at the present moment ..
    As we all learn as time goes by ..
    Not all situations can be at ones help as if a program was instilled by do gooders that think they are all that and more whom blissfully must be unaware of the damage and carnage that the outside help quietness of what U call head fucks and mind games which are too familiar set apon the outlined people ...
    This behind the scenes help us has and will scar and not ever ever ever be accepted in my situation as these people obversely don't know us at all and donot and will never regain or demand the respect or internal warmth they once had it's gone ICE COLD . .
    You can never ever ever pressure a human into situation that are not only unlawful but illegal within decent humanity situations ...
    The scares and sadness that we feel is An absolute below hell evil 😢 and has no part in our lives not now or ever ..
    Thus has gone on for many many years all this time I cannot regain or get back or replace with her and kids and dam certain my children ...
    I will not ever forget the figuring things that have happened and the things that haven't ..
    But I will say that I will never and they wont ever ever ever bow down too the interference of and disrespectful performance they have had to our family's and lifes ...
    It saddens me too no end that I worry so much that I will sink into a pressured physcosis of no self belief and total darkness that can not be surfaced from ....
    Our total losses are phenomenal and cannot put a price on the disaster that has been had the hurt is just too much ...
    I don't think that love alone can shine brightly again ....
    Anyways just a thort that people cannot intrude into help situation without the correct guide line as every human being Is a different situation with different help and solutions ...
    That's why we are only human ...

    Anyways ..
    Love too all in a drug free or choice of drug if you choose too ..
    Twirl away blaze it up MSM is the deffo new crackling just ask the AFP. FUCK THE PROGRAM ..

    2 x
    Junior Member
    Posts: 11
    Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2021 6:46 pm

    Re: Just a thought

    Wed Oct 13, 2021 2:17 am

    I was extremely moved by what you shared and although our story may differ in many ways I still identified with the trauma of life’s events that have happened throughout our existence and the effects and consequences that created from our experiences and so much of it is out of our control until we break and the search begins to seek relief and find anything that enables us to forget and repress. Before we even become aware we have created a whole new problem coming from lifetime trauma and significant impact in our growth to be a functional person in today’s society. So often our new way of coping becomes the only way and remains our way to cope. This is my experience and at 55 years I wish I could understand what made me the person I became. I do know though that if we’re still here we still have an opportunity to change but it takes resilience, looking deeper into past pain and significant life events that changed the real you that we were meant to be and healing those hurts and definitely forgiving yourself because much was not in our control and no matter what age we are now we can only strive to be better, believe we are good and learn from the many lessons that shaped us today.

    I hope you identify with what I shared because honestly I’m far from being at that place and have a long way to go to get there but I’m still here a survivor throughout it all and I still don’t understand why I had to suffer and do life so hard but looking forward is all I have cause I can’t change the past only live for today one day at a time.

    Last bumped by CRAZYGRANNY on Wed Oct 13, 2021 2:17 am.
    2 x

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