Welcome to our online peer support community. Connect with others making change in their alcohol and other drug use. Join our online community today.
  • Connect, be inspired, motivate others. Share your experience & strategies.
  • Safe. Anonymous. Professionally moderated. Free of judgement.

    Join us Mondays at 8pm - 10pm AEST for Monday Meetup.

    Your posts will automatically appear live on the forum.
  • Day 0

    The impact of ICE/Methamphetamine use can be significant and problematic. Join this forum to find support and conversations on changing ICE use and recovery.
    Lhiver
    Community Builder
    Posts: 359
    Joined: Tue May 04, 2021 9:59 am

    Re: Day 0

    Thu Oct 07, 2021 2:19 pm

    hey @initae89 it sounds like the past few weeks have been incredibly challenging, but it is really great that you've come back. I just want to stress that no matter what happens @Peace Dove @PnorkelPW, @ScorpionPW, myself and everyone else are here in a judgement free capacity. recovery is filled with ups and downs and no matter how you're travelling we will always be here to support you.

    I second what @teapot said, it sounds like there were a few factors that pushed these two lapses. But at the end of the day, your response was to get right back into the saddle and try again, which shows a lot of determination.

    Being able to recognise what triggered these lapses is a good first step to preventing future lapses. Asides from communicating more with your partner, do you think there are other things you can put in place to help protect yourself moving forward?

    The pros and cons list is a really good strategy. it might be worthwhile having it on your phone or somewhere close by so you can refer to it when you are trying to manage those cravings. It does seem like maybe you need to find some ways to get a good balance between work and time off and other ways to fill that time off, especially working from home and doing freelance.

    Lapses are a bump in the road, they happen during recovery. While it's easier said than done, don't beat yourself up. Take this as a learning experience and keep moving forward. 30 days is fantastic! Be kind to yourself right now, and remember we're here for you
    3 x
    PnorkelPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 276
    Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2021 3:14 pm

    Re: Day 0

    Thu Oct 07, 2021 9:21 pm

    @initae89 at the risk of sounding cliché…………relapse is part of the learning process and there’s a few lessons to be learnt from your relapses. That’s the thing about relapse……….it’s how we learn what works and what doesn’t. I just wish there was a less painful way to learn.

    I want to stress this as well…………WE ARE AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE HERE TO HELP

    I think a lot of people would recognise the pattern of being 100% committed in the morning and then backflipping in the afternoon………..I’d be rich if I got a dollar for every time I said it!! It’s just the way addiction works. Something that’s recommended is deleting dealers numbers from your phone but most of the time people forget to block the number as well………can I suggest that for you moving forwards?? Dealers aren’t friends. They’re not mates. They’re just people who want your money and will do anything to manipulate you to get it.

    Our minds play all sorts of tricks and come up with all sorts of rationalisations to use. It helps me study, makes me clean the house better, makes me more productive, calms me down, sleep better……………the list goes on and on. What it is though is fake and short term and makes us want more and more before ultimately completely failing to do the things we “think” it helps with. What you’re experiencing has been felt by every addict who’s gone before you and will be felt by every addict who comes after you.

    Stopping doing the things that were working is another example of this. That’s what hard about recovery………..creating long term lifestyle changes that help maintain recovery. The turnaround can be pretty quick and you start to feel a whole lot better. That’s when it’s easy to forget how terrible it made you feel. I’ve heard it countless times at meetings………..”Things were going really well and then I stopped going to as many meetings”……..”I started hanging out with some old using mates again”……….”I stopped talking to people and sharing how I was feeling”……….and many other titless on the Why I Relapsed – Greatest Hits album.

    You already identified some lessons in this relapse………what are you going to do to prevent them happening again? And if they happen again……….that’s the question you’ve gotta keep asking………..along with “What did I stop doing that was working for me?” and “How will I prevent this from happening next time?”

    I love the pros and cons list!! I love the amount of thought you've put into things. You've identified a hell of a lot about your use that takes some people years to admit. By identifying the problems you can start to identify the solutions that will work for you.

    Your question........"Do I have a problem?"...........ultimately that's something only you can answer and by doing so honestly you will have started to truly begin the change process. Between you and I ...............I think you've already answered it............and you know you have...........you just don't want to admit it.

    There are help groups out there for chemsex stuff and even SLA (Sex and Love Anonymous) can be helpful if 12 step is your thing. So many people in addiction end up transferring and having big problems with sex...........you're definitely not alone there and I'm constantly checking whether I'm crossing the boundary into addiction again by way of sex. It's been an issue for me that I have to be very careful of.

    I’m reminded of one of my favourite sayings and it’s amazingly true for the recovery journey………….…”I failed my way to success”

    Just don’t give up………..this stuff is going to happen………..it’s how you respond that’s important

    We’re here to support you and we’re not going anywhere……….keep sharing
    2 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 57
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Day 0

    Sat Oct 09, 2021 10:21 am

    Thanks to @Lhiver and @PnorkelPW

    Even after coming back to the forum, I still had a minor lapse. There was some stuff leftover and the mind felt it had to finish it. I threw everything out and set the record clean with my partner.

    @PnorkelPW - You gave me some tough words and I thank you for them! You are right, I don't know why I suddenly thought I could control it. Perhaps I looked around at friends and it seems everyone has an "outlet" - drinking a bottle of wine every night, cocaine on the weekend. Looking back, the change in my work situation coincided with me drinking more to "de-stress" and it was building up. With friends, I declined offers of cocaine (it's easy to say no when you have never tried it!) but that sort of triggered me.

    I also think I got complacent in my approach as it got "easier" to deal with cravings and urges. Had a pretty great sleep yesterday and I am back in the saddle.

    I've even set a daily recurring reminder in my phone - to set my intention at the start of everyday.

    Thank you all for the support. It means so much to me, much more than words can express.
    2 x
    Peace Dove
    Community Builder
    Posts: 359
    Joined: Mon May 03, 2021 9:22 am

    Re: Day 0

    Sun Oct 10, 2021 2:09 pm

    Hi @initae89,
    Firstly, I just want to reinforce what the peer workers and @Lhiver stated, we're here to support you no matter what. :) Secondly, I want to applaud your courage in sharing you experienced these lapses. And thirdly, your pros and cons list is amazing and shows a great self-reflection capacity. This is an incredible strength in your favour because you can plan and implement strategies for your triggers.
    Have you signed up to our SMS Making a change program? You might find these daily reminders a very useful tool to keep your focus on the change you want to make in your life.
    Hope you're enjoying the weekend, and keep us posted on how you're going.
    2 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 57
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Day 0

    Mon Oct 11, 2021 8:51 am

    Thanks @Peace Dove and yes I have! It does really help me and I keep all of the SMSes too.

    For me, I know that it is the fusing of sex and drugs that make them inseparable (for now). And unfortunately, sex is physiological. It feels that without drugs, I cannot have sex. Working out too much actually stimulates a need for sex, which became the trigger for drug use (to have sex).

    I recognise now that it is a vicious cycle. To relearn sex without drugs - that will be an uphill battle.
    1 x
    Peace Dove
    Community Builder
    Posts: 359
    Joined: Mon May 03, 2021 9:22 am

    Re: Day 0

    Mon Oct 11, 2021 12:17 pm

    Most welcome! :D Oh, that's fantastic! So good to hear you're finding the SMSes helpful and even saving them.

    Sounds like you have a very clear idea of how the vicious cycle began for you. But most importantly, where you need to concentrate your efforts on in order to end it too: "To relearn sex without drugs - that will be an uphill battle."
    1 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 57
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Day 0

    Mon Oct 11, 2021 1:28 pm

    A new week.

    Last week was a blur with the lapse/relapse - 3 days mired in using.

    I've been so productive today, I almost wonder if I am going too fast. I did so many chores and tasks, both for work and the home, and even multi tasking with a TV show in the background.

    I do wonder if "going too fast" is what causes me to burn out and seek a "break", which then becomes the relapse. Something to watch out for, most definitely.
    1 x
    PnorkelPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 276
    Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2021 3:14 pm

    Re: Day 0

    Mon Oct 11, 2021 10:17 pm

    @initae89 you’ve made some more great moves………..throwing out the leftovers and coming clean with your partner………two massive, massive achievements. It would have been so easy to hide it but you’ve owned and been honest………I’m stoked for you that you were able to do that!! By maintaining that honesty it’s going to help maintain the trust in your relationship. Trust is hard to build and hard to keep. It’s not a free ticket to keep making the same mistakes………trust me, I found out the hard way………but it is one way to keep the love and support of your partner because you’ll need that along the way.

    You’ve identified key triggers and yeah it’s easy to knock back what you’ve never tried but continuing to hang out in those circles is going to continue setting off triggers which you’re not always gonna be able to control. Something I’ve learnt is that the only way I can control myself is to not use and to not put myself in situations where I’m going to be triggered to use………..and again I’ll say that that’s not always easy.

    I love the intention setting each day. I love that you’re setting reminders. I love that you’re figuring out what works……….and what doesn’t. It can be hard to see in the early days but sometimes the setbacks aren’t always negative if you can take the lessons from them and try to prevent them happening again instead of pretending they didn’t happen or that “it was just once so it doesn’t really matter”.

    You are doing an amazing job so far and I can feel that you want this for yourself. We’re all here to support in any way we can and I thank you for your kind words. Whatever crops up, any questions, anything I can do to support…………just ask. Please keep sharing what’s happening and try not to let fear or shame prevent you from sharing this journey with us. I know what tricks the mind can play………it’s the addiction wanting to be fed. Sharing takes away its power.

    Stay focused on the goal, take it day by day and try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Keep it simple.
    Last edited by PnorkelPW on Tue Oct 12, 2021 8:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
    1 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 57
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Day 0

    Tue Oct 12, 2021 8:39 am

    Yes @PnorkelPW I hear you. I don't want it to become a ticket to keep making the mistakes.

    I was sober at dinner with friends yesterday and I felt so uncomfortable with myself, not bubbly, or witty or engaging. Probably a little dour. It is a bit frustrating how social situations need alcohol as a social lubricant. But I kind of sat in the discomfort and thought to myself that this must just be who I am and so be it!

    In the short time I was preparing dinner, my phone was buzzing off with work non-stop. And I felt a little overwhelmed with the minutia. I recognized how in that time, it would be an easy excuse to have a drink to numb it out. (Maybe not rise to the level of using, but it starts with the little things).
    2 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 57
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Day 0

    Thu Oct 14, 2021 11:39 am

    So post-lapse I jumped back into "life" with a lot of energy and excitement.

    I embarked on some long-stalled home improvement projects, pushed ahead with stalled work projects and almost too enthusiastically cleaning the home. It is SO CLEAN now and I am mopping the floor every morning. I am almost surprised at myself.

    On the personal front, back at the gym, eating healthily and so on.

    It's been just 1 week and some and I'm starting to feel a bit tired. I did not drink while at dinner on Monday with friends, but had a drink on Tuesday and Wednesday since.

    I have passing thoughts of meth, but none really about using per se. But I see the pathway - that my partner also alerted me to - this progressive build up.

    Last night I tossed and turned quite a bit because of the alcohol. So yes, it's a slippery slope. I see it.
    3 x
    Lhiver
    Community Builder
    Posts: 359
    Joined: Tue May 04, 2021 9:59 am

    Re: Day 0

    Thu Oct 14, 2021 2:39 pm

    @initae89 it sounds like you're doing really well in terms of keeping yourself busy! I am thoroughly impressed by the thought of mopping every morning!

    I guess my question is, do you have alternatives you could use to treat yourself other than alcohol in the evenings? It sounds like you're aware that it's a trigger for you. What else can you do to give yourself that sense of a treat?
    1 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 57
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Day 0

    Fri Oct 15, 2021 1:06 pm

    Hey @Lhiver

    I'm not entirely sure.

    I'll have to think about it!
    2 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 57
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Day 0

    Sun Oct 24, 2021 7:06 pm

    So @Lhiver It's been over 3 weeks since I last used. And I got seriously triggered today.

    But I really don't want this to snowball. I admitted that I was triggered to my partner. But I am really afraid of being alone tomorrow when my partner goes to work.

    I am going to reward myself with a nice dinner and a good lunch tomorrow.

    I think I've needed some time off any way. Wish me the BEST! I know I can do it! I have a good week ahead to get to! Some work and some home projects, and a dinner with friends on Wednesday..

    I am literally verbalizing the internal battle in my mind but I am doubling down on the side of good things.
    4 x
    Peace Dove
    Community Builder
    Posts: 359
    Joined: Mon May 03, 2021 9:22 am

    Re: Day 0

    Mon Oct 25, 2021 9:30 am

    Hi @initae89,

    First of all, massive congratulations on the 3 weeks of not using! Secondly, good job on not giving into the trigger and well done on identifying it and also communicating it to your partner.
    These are no small achievements and I'm really glad to hear you rewarded yourself yesterday with a nice dinner and a good lunch today. It's fantastic to celebrate every win no matter how big or small.

    Love reading so much determination and motivation in your words.
    Keep us posted and reach out at anytime.
    :)
    1 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 57
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Day 0

    Tue Oct 26, 2021 12:58 pm

    Oh @Peace Dove I am sorry.

    It snowballed pretty quickly. And Monday came. I was alone at home.

    It lasted all of 10 hours. But I am ashamed. Cos I did not even recognize myself when I was using. I was dissociated. Unable to connect. The excitement is long gone. The rationalizations are tired.

    I have all of the info. I know the steps. I guess this is what addiction looks like huh. The 3 weeks were great. But I knew a crash was coming. I was driving at full speed.

    I literally just got this SMS reminder today - that lifestyle balance is important to keep us grounded.

    There's no other way to say it - I am lonely. The only friend I have is my partner. It's sad to think it, but it's really hard to make friends after a certain point.

    I'm definitely not giving up or giving in. It was a lapse and now I'm back on the saddle. Did a ton of chores and tasks.

    But I don't know how I'd be truly done with this. That's the god's honest truth.

    I think back to how I quit smoking - cigarettes. One day I just stopped. It wasn't planned or anything.
    1 x

    Return to “Ice”