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  • Chapter 2

    The impact of ICE/Methamphetamine use can be significant and problematic. Join this forum to find support and conversations on changing ICE use and recovery.
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 60
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Chapter 2

    Wed Nov 17, 2021 8:43 am

    I feel this warrants a new thread.

    1. I’ve had a rough couple of weeks - had 2 lapses which I did not tell my partner about. On a good note, I’ve cut down the amount used. I didn’t tell my partner because I did not want to have a row about it and I also keep telling him is a trigger for him. I will tell eventually but for now I’ve decided to keep it a secret? Especially since he is 4 months clean and really making a go at it in his own way.

    2. I threw out all the paraphernalia. I don’t know why I didn’t earlier? Dumb of me I guess.

    3. I’m changing my phone number this week if I can.

    4. I’ve even deleted my Grindr and my Instagram - both of which are filled with triggers. And this time, not just deleted the apps from my phone but actually the accounts themselves. Don’t know why I didn’t do this earlier!

    5. I’m even closing a bank account which I used to make some transfers so I don’t even have that history anymore. Who knew you could find phone numbers you make payID transfers to in your bank statements.

    6. I’ve used the counseling chat here and it helped me avoid a bad craving. I think I will use it more. Gotta put in the effort to. I also found a CMA online meeting that fits my schedule and I can join it at lunchtime. Haven’t plucked up the courage yet but in due course.

    7. I’m going to pack up sex toys and such. Put them in boxes and put them away.

    8. I don’t know if this is accurate. But I kind of feel like my process of recovery has been a long goodbye. I don’t know why but the last two lapses I felt nauseated using. Kind of the same way one cigarette makes me feel ill now.

    Well that’s pretty much all from me.

    Ps: and 9. Over the past few weeks, I put all my savings away so I kind of don’t have much spare available cash.

    And 10. I’ve been doing some pottery classes, which is great.
    3 x
    Peace Dove
    Community Builder
    Posts: 369
    Joined: Mon May 03, 2021 9:22 am

    Re: Chapter 2

    Wed Nov 17, 2021 9:31 am

    Hi @initae89,

    Wow, this is such a fantastic update. :)

    It's wonderful to see you're respecting your partner's own journey by not wanting to trigger him. Every person's journey is different because every person is unique. This has been, as you said, a very long goodbye for you because that's how you're experiencing it. And it's okay, this is a process. There's no right or wrong here, you are certainly making progress. You had to go through the lapses, etc., for you to take these next steps (and they are fabulous steps I may add). I sounds like you have really thought through all of these strategies you have implemented.
    I'm really glad to hear the web chat was helpful, and I do hope you keep using it. All of the counsellors are trained in alcohol and other drugs, and I can vouch for them in that they are very nice people just wanting to help.
    Congrats also on the pottery classes too! Well done! You have said before you're a bit introvert, so feels like this is a step in coming out of your shell. How are you feeling about it?

    This post has really put a smile on my face. I really hope you're feeling proud of yourself. :D
    I'm going to tag @ScorpionPW, @PnorkelPW and @Lhiver as I'm sure it will also put a smile on theirs too.

    Keep us posted! You know we're always here to support you. :)
    2 x
    ScorpionPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 292
    Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2021 10:06 am

    Re: Chapter 2

    Wed Nov 17, 2021 10:08 pm

    This is so great @initae89, it's like each little reservation breaking down one by one.

    I remember everytime that I tried to stop using, there would always be a back door that I left open, or a reservation without even fully realising I was doing it.

    Similar thing though whether it was a person that I knew I shouldn't hang out with, a place that would trigger me or even just packing paraphernalia away as opposed to throwing it out.

    It sounds like using has stopped working for you and you've reached a real point of being ready for a complete overhaul, which is such great news.

    When using stopped working for me it was really scary and I knew I needed to completely surrender and let go of every part of my identity that I had when I was using drugs. It felt like a painful place to be at the time but I can see it now as a gift, the gift of desperation. If it didn't get so bad then I wouldn't have had the drive to do whatever it took to stay clean, a day at a time.

    It's fantastic that you're planning on checking out a meeting for support aswell. Just remember that they are all people who have been through similar things to you and are there for the same reason. I was really scared of walking into a room full of strangers and being vulnerable as well (who wouldn't), but hearing peoples stories and experiences helped me feel like I was in the right place pretty quickly. I would encourage you to get to a meeting as soon as you can because it's all well and good to remove all of the things from our lives that we need to begin recovery. But I really believe it's equally important to bring new connections and new things in as well that support recovery.

    I think @Peace Dove has some fantastic advice too!

    I hope you continue to share your journey with us and thanks so much for letting us know about where you're at :D
    1 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 60
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Chapter 2

    Thu Nov 18, 2021 8:02 pm

    Thanks @ScorpionPW!

    I got a new number. I actually had to give up $300 of data that I newly loaded into my plan. It's so perverse that I nearly backtracked on changing my number cos of the $300 worth of data. But then I realized I would spend $300 easily without even thinking on drugs. Honestly a lot more.

    Was a relief when I logged in today and saw that my old bank account had disappeared. With that a whole history of payments made.
    1 x
    ScorpionPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 292
    Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2021 10:06 am

    Re: Chapter 2

    Thu Nov 18, 2021 9:42 pm

    That's great to hear @initae89, it's those little choices each day that make all the difference. Good on you for following through!

    Let us know what you think and what your experience is like once you check a meeting out :)
    0 x
    PnorkelPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 280
    Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2021 3:14 pm

    Re: Chapter 2

    Thu Nov 18, 2021 10:32 pm

    @initae89 this is amazing!! Thanks for the tag @Peace Dove ................this has definitely made me smile...............and laugh to myself.

    Some great stuff written by yourself and @ScorpionPW which I couldn't agree with more. I just can't help but chuckle about the simplicity of what you're doing @initae89 and how much it time it took me to do the same things. They're things that were suggested to me for some time but I just never did............all a part of not fully understanding or accepting that addiction ruled my life.

    I love that this thread is the start of a new chapter because there is definitely a new direction brewing. The steps you have taken are massive and an indication as to your commitment to self and to getting on top of your addictions. They're a demonstration of what you've learned along the way and exactly some of things that are recommended...............trouble is that no one wants to do them because it's starting to fully admit their problem and the fact that they'll never control their use. That's just too scary for a lot of people to face at first.

    I identify sooooooooooo much with the long goodbye part of your post. I've heard it said many times that it's like losing your best friend........................the worst best friend you'll ever have.

    I can't wait to see how this chapter keeps unfolding.

    You are making such good decisions!!!
    0 x
    Lhiver
    Community Builder
    Posts: 359
    Joined: Tue May 04, 2021 9:59 am

    Re: Chapter 2

    Fri Nov 19, 2021 11:51 am

    @initae89 I'm so so impressed reading this! They're all such fantastic little steps, made with clear decision and tangible results in mind!

    One thing I'm seeing is how holistically you're approaching this journey. It's clear you've really thought through and are addressing as many triggers as possible, and addressing them in realistic ways! Reaching out and joining the chat sessions are a great way to get support when cravings hit!

    You'l have to let us know how the pottery classes are going, it's something I've always been keen to take up!
    0 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 60
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Chapter 2

    Thu Nov 25, 2021 1:13 pm

    So, I haven't been to the gym in over 3 weeks and kind of enjoying it. I've been waiting on a tennis elbow injury to heal.

    Been watching a lot of television in between work. I get bored really easily.

    Things have been kind of good. I walked to dinner yesterday and I felt different. It's hard to describe, but it felt like the colours were richer. I felt a subtle energy surge through me. And not in that sort of drug-fuelled frenetic way. But organic, calm.

    I've slowly begun talking to some people at the pottery class. Takes me a long while to come out of my shell.

    And I've signed up for another 6 weeks starting in January.

    Every morning, I have a recurring note on my calendar to spend some time reading stuff here. Sometimes I just read, for a few minutes. A daily reminder to keep moving forward.
    3 x
    Truffles
    Moderator
    Posts: 35
    Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2020 7:54 pm

    Re: Chapter 2

    Thu Nov 25, 2021 1:30 pm

    Keep up the good work!
    0 x
    Lhiver
    Community Builder
    Posts: 359
    Joined: Tue May 04, 2021 9:59 am

    Re: Chapter 2

    Thu Nov 25, 2021 2:06 pm

    @initae89 this was such a wonderful update to read, it sounds like things ave been tracking well and you're really picking up all those wonderful subtle changes!

    That's great you've enrolled for some more classes! How does it feel meeting new people in that kind of class environment? What have you been watching?
    1 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 60
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Chapter 2

    Mon Dec 06, 2021 9:55 am

    It actually feels quite scary at first. But over time, I open up slowly.

    I've been watching Fresh off the boat and ironically, Narcos.

    I faced probably the first big challenge in a few weeks today. I decided to pack up a bunch of sex toys into a box and put them in the garage. So I could make more storage space. Even just going through that process, was a triggering process.

    And the addict in me actually spent maybe 10 seconds contemplating... 'What if..." But I quickly shut it down logically - for one, I'm having an eye stye. And the most important part - I have little money available! And I did not have any numbers. And I did not want to taint my phone number.
    1 x
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    teapot
    Moderator
    Posts: 62
    Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2020 2:54 pm

    Re: Chapter 2

    Tue Dec 07, 2021 10:40 am

    @initae89 It's so great to hear your progress. Managing the urges that come with a triggering event like that might not seem like a big deal, but every time you do you're creating and reinforcing this new blueprint for how you cope with triggers and urges. Every time you break it down logically like you did you come out a little stronger for next time. It's inspiring, thanks so much for sharing ♥
    2 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 60
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Chapter 2

    Tue Dec 07, 2021 11:46 am

    @teapot Thanks for the encouragement! I have a recurring calendar event for me to look at this forum daily. It is a few minutes a day for me to remind myself what is important.
    1 x

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