Reflections

[PnorkelPW]

Great stuff @BonsaiBeginner ...............so good to hear that you've reached out for the extra support and just keep doing whatever is working for you

Good luck for this weekend

[apples123]

I have seen all the Fb posts and emails at work about RU OK day? & asking R U really ok?

I was asked this by a few people today and I said yes....

But I'm not.. im not ok. Really not ok. I don't have words for why I don't feel ok. I don't know what to say. I feel blah... meh...

I know I should be happy for being 4 weeks off weed and 2years and 3 weeks off meth, I'm back on my antidepressants which are helping my anger. I'm not sad, or crying, im not angry either. I have done so much self care of the last 2 weeks, I sat outside in sun and grounded myself, I even had a relaxing bath but still I'm feeling meh... I just feel yuk... I shrug my shoulders and just say im fine.
So my answer to R u ok is? Mmmm I don't know...

I don't feel anything.

[Lhiver]

@apples123 Thank you for being so open in this space. Feeling nothing often feels worse than being overwhelmed by emotions. At least when you are overwhelmed by emotions you have some sense of them and can name them for what they are, but that empty feeling is just so incredibly hard to manage.

It sounds like you are being wonderful to yourself, which is important ad I would encourage you keep that up.

Is this feeling something you have experienced in the past?

[Lhiver]

heya @apples123 I just wanted to check in and see how you were travelling today?

@BonsaiBeginner how have you been?

[apples123]

I am pretty much the same today - well i am frustrated with work but that's another story - so at least I am feeling something, but still feeling flat.

[Lhiver]

I'm sorry to hear that work is frustrating at the moment, and that you are still feeling flat. what techniques do you normally turn to to help lift your mood?

[BonsaiBeginner]

@Lhiver thanks for checking in on me . I am starting to feel better. I had a few nice days over the weekend. Friday night yoga Zoom helped me resist a drink on Friday. I was quite low Saturday morning but middle daughter I went for a lovely coastal walk and a swim which gave me a big boost. We also had a family virtual drink, and I stuck to the soda water. So Sunday was hangover free and hubby and I did a 12km walk. I am pleased I stayed sober again all weekend. I was a little down this morning and my digestion is adjusting to my antidepressants but I didn't start crying when had to sit down at my desk and work and I'm starting to wake up feeling rested. So doing better!

[PnorkelPW]

Hi @BonsaiBeginner ..................I've only just come back and read over this thread.............just wondering if things have improved??

[PnorkelPW]

So lately I've been feeling quite lost............6 years in recovery and I was hit by a brick wall of cravings and of wanting to just go on a bender for the purpose of losing control and feeling free for a while. This could have come in a number of forms because my addictions span drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, work and my behaviours are heavily impacted when my mind starts to take control like that. I'm proud of my recovery and the fact that I haven't used drugs or alcohol in over 6 years but I have had a gambling relapse in that time and at times the sex addiction has had more control of me that I care to admit. In fact if I'm honest..........I've been in complete denial about it.

What's changed is my behaviours and by that I mean I've been living out of alignment with my values. I haven't been honest in my intentions when dating and have manipulated my way into sleeping with women by telling them what they want to hear when I've actually had no intention of trying to begin a relationship. This in turn effects my thinking and I get really disappointed in myself. My self esteem drops. The guilt shame and remorse set in the same way they did after when I was drinking and using. The fun disappears from sex because the guilt is too strong. When this happens I start to look for other external solutions to make myself feel better. The thoughts of gambling have been strong because I'm dead set scared of drinking or using again but gambling could do more damage in an hour than any of my other addictions.

I've thought about a night out dancing on MDMA to just break the shackles, escape and feel free. I've started to think about a weekend away by myself where no one knows me so that I could have a bender and no one would need to know............but I'd know and the guilt would kill me. Worse still I might enjoy it and want a second night and a third and then I'm back on the merry go round of addiction it took me so many years to get off. It wouldn't just be a night on the booze either. It'd be a drink and before i knew it I'd be looking for a bag of coke and then trying to find some MDMA.............no doubt I'd be looking for company for the night too and I might even pay for it. The next morning I'd need some weed and booze later in the day to even out again and there you have it. One drink has caused a sh*tstorm and the guilt, shame and remorse would be horrendous. I've even been dealing with thoughts of mushrooms and LSD to 'escape' for a while and kidding myself that they're not addictive. How about an ayahuasca retreat for a weekend???...........All these thoughts have been doing my head in!!!!

So what's with all the thoughts of escape and breaking free?????

There was a lot going on for me at the tail end of last year and I actually felt totally out of control........even though I was in denial about it and wouldn't admit it to anyone. Work was crazy busy and covid was causing all sorts of headaches but I'd stopped doing all the things that had been working for so long and my motivation was at an all time low. I was sitting on the couch watching television, eating and feeling like I was wasting my life. I was questioning whether depression was knocking at the back door again trying to force it's way back into my head............and it was. I wasn't exercising, was putting on weight and hated looking at myself. My food intake was out of control and I just felt unhealthy. I was unhappy. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually I felt empty.

I was hiding from reality by immersing myself in work because that's the only place I felt like I had some form of control but that was a struggle too. I'm a control freak but I know my life works better when I'm letting go and not trying to control everything. I'm a perfectionist and that prevents me from starting things because I can't give my all to it or won't be able to do it properly or I just completely overthink things. I get what's known as analysis paralysis. This is where I have too many choices and don't know where to start so I make a plan............revise my plan...........put a timeframe on everything...........figure out the most effective order of things..........think about what might work better...........what might go wrong............what I'll do if things go wrong..........what solutions i'll put in place..........for six different scenarios that may or may not happen...........revise my plan............assess my plan..........and never get started because I've been too busy planning and worrying about things that will probably never happen. It's bloody exhausting!!!

I've been lost. I've had no plan. But that can be turned around and it can be turned around by getting back to basics. It's started with deleting the dating apps a couple of weeks ago so I can concentrate on my recovery needs and myself.

I have the next 10 days off work to try and get some balance, rhythm and routine back. I have my daughter for a big chunk of it so I'll have to be creative but that's not a bad thing. I have lots of things I want to do........buy a kayak, get roofracks (maybe I'll do that in reverse order), play golf, donate plasma, gym, swim, sauna, spa, walk the beach, do some gardening, get my old car started so I can sell it, prepare the house for painting, research painting the house, research a trip away in a couple of weeks, spring clean the house............there's more too. I don't know where to start and have too many possibilities running through my head. I know what I need to do...................just get started. Break it down into achievable chunks and get it done bit by bit. How do you eat an elephant???? One bite at a time.

My life needs some purpose and that's been missing. I need to make a plan for each day and get some satisfaction out of each day. Give myself a sense of achievement each day. Strike the balance and be careful not to put too much pressure on myself. I need to get moving again because if I start to feel good about myself I'll stop looking for the short term external solutions my addictions provide and get long lasting internal satisfaction physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Life has it's ups and downs and if I'm not remaining self aware about what's actually going on for me then I could just as easily slip back into active addiction. I don't need to be using for my addictions to be playing a role in my life. I'm extremely grateful that I'm able to recognise these things even though the truth of it is that I've allowed my addictions to dictate terms at times. Thankfully I've had people to talk to about this stuff too even though my head has been trying to convince me to stay quiet so the addictions can win.

The way back lies in personal ownership, honesty, purpose and action.............wallowing in self pity isn't going to do me any favours. Time to start eating this elephant and getting life back on track.

[Truffles]

Keeping busy is a great idea, sounds like you've got a few you can do to stay active.