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Re: Introduce yourself here - friends and family

Posted: Thu Aug 25, 2022 1:14 pm
by Plumbago
@Faith100
Hi Faith100,
Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have been trying to support your daughter through a very challenging time and the situation is quite complex. You identified in your post that you are really needing support now yourself. As a parent you can sometimes be so focused on responding to the crisis at hand and your own needs become secondary to the situation.
I would really encourage you to reach out for support for yourself. Accessing this forum is a great start. You may be interested in also having a chat with a counsellor at the National Alcohol and Other Drug hotline: 1800 250 015.

@PnorkelPW and @ScorpionPW

Re: Introduce yourself here - friends and family

Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2022 1:33 pm
by Sunflowerseed
Hi @Faith100 ,
I want to check in with you see how you are travelling.
Are you looking for any support for yourself?

Re: Introduce yourself here - friends and family

Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2022 8:14 am
by Pinkelephant
Good morning,
I am new here. Signed up this weekend because finding everything a bit tough at the moment. My husband is a functional alcoholic- really very functional. In some ways I feel guilty for finding it hard because, when I read about others situations, mine is really not that bad. My husband drinks only on an evening and is relatively ok in a morning. His AA friends even asked him if he’s definitely an alcoholic- but he is- all the markers are there (mostly, he is drinking way too much and cannot stop even when it is effecting his health).

It effects me because I am scared for the furture- he is overweight, smokes, diabetic and drinking. We have 2 young kids. Who knows how long he will be around?

Also he lies to me. About alcohol but other stuff too. I recently found hidden bottles again after I thought we were passed that and it has made me feel so hurt and disappointed and angry.

He is emotionally distant in some ways and then in other ways, about the drinking, he is almost too much- telling me about how his childhood has made him drink. It feels like excuses but also I feel like I should be glad he is talking. But I am finding it a bit much.

He just isn’t my fun loving my, adventurous, playful, thoughtful husband anymore. And I have some mental health issues (nothing massive) and having to be strong for him is triggering me. But then, when I have a bad day/ few days, he IS there for me in some ways but I think that is making him feel bad and then he uses drink to cover his emotions. I don’t know how we learn to be there for one another but not take onboard the others burdens. Is this normal?

And sex is non existent. Im assuming that’s normal?

He is trying to get better- counselling and AA and GP- but I see little improvement. How long does improvement take? We are having couples counselling too. So I guess we are getting all the help we can. But I just feel a bit at the end of it all right now. It’s all a bit much.

I’d love to hear from anyone who can empathise. It’s a lonely situation to be in.

Thanks.

Re: Introduce yourself here - friends and family

Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2022 9:50 am
by Sunflowerseed
Hi @Pinkelephant,
Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here. I'm glade you reached out. It's normal that you find it hard because this is not an easy situation to be in, for anyone. Just because your story is different than others', and your husband is able to function after drinking, doesn't mean you can't get help or you don't need help.
The most important this in situation like this is to take care of yourself. I have sent you some resources in the welcome email, I hope you find them helpful. (the email might be in the spam folder if you can't find them in the inbox)
We are here to help, so let us know if there is anything we can help you with! :)

Re: Introduce yourself here - friends and family

Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2022 9:23 pm
by ScorpionPW
Hi @Pinkelephant, thanks so much for opening up and sharing with us what's been happening for you and your husband.

It sounds really difficult, I've been on both sides of this coin and both were incredibly challenging in different ways.

I remember when I was in addiction and the people closest to me were being effected by the changes within me. It was so hard because I felt so ashamed seeing how I was impacting the people around me, yet at the same time felt completely hopeless and unable to stop. I too lied about my use because I thought that if people thought I wasn't using the way I was, they might not be so upset. Anyway, one thing that had to happen for me to change my life was to lose some people closest to me as a result of not sticking by my while I was in addiction. I'm certainly not saying that will be the case in your situation, that was just my experience.

Also, in recovery I have had people very close to me end up drinking again, including a partner at one point. Even having been in their shoes it seemed to not make it much easier when the shoe was on the other foot. I would go from empathy, to anger, to frustration, to hope, to hopelessness all in a vicious cycle. In the end, my only option to protect my own well being and mental health was clear boundaries. Again, this is never simple or easy in these situations but I just did my best to support myself and support them in a way that didn't impact on me in a way that was really detremental.

I would really recommend reaching out to Family Drug & Gambling help as well. They have a 24/7 helpline you can call and speak to somebody who has a lived or living experience of being a family member/loved one of somebody who has been or is going through problems with drugs/alcohol.

They also have numerous support groups online and face to face and other supports such as counselling.

https://www.sharc.org.au/sharc-programs ... ling-help/

Thanks again for sharing and I hope you continue to reach out on the forums :)

Re: Introduce yourself here - friends and family

Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2022 9:57 pm
by ScorpionPW
Hi @Faith100,

I know it's been a while since you posted this but I just thought I would touch base and see how you're going.

It must be really hard watching your daughter go through this and all the challenges she is going through with her father as well.

I struggled with addiction through my teenage hood and my parents tried a lot of things. From banning certain things, to allowing certain things in controlled measures and trying their best to feel comfortable in their own home whilst trying not to alienate me. All I can say is that I wasn't able or willing to make any changes until I had reached a point where I was in enough pain from my addiction that I felt I had no choice other than to stop and find a new way to live. Throughout that journey, just knowing that my parents where there and that they loved me anyway was so so precious to me. I put them through a lot and they stood by me, sometimes enabling, sometimes putting firm boundaries in place and many places in between.

This stuff is challening and there's rarely an easy answer. It truly sounds like you are doing your best to support your daughter through some really challenging times and it's great that you have acknowledged the need to seek support for yourself to cope through it all.

A good resource I thought I could share would be Family Drug & Gambling Help. They have a 24/7 helpline where you can call and talk to somebody who has a lived or living experience of being a family member or loved one of somebody who is going through addiction. They also have multiple support groups online and face to face as well as counselling and other supports:

https://www.sharc.org.au/sharc-programs ... ling-help/

I hope you continue to reach out on the forums and remember, we are always here if you wanna touch base :)

Married for 15 years 3 kids 10,12,14. Drinks too much,always has

Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2022 8:13 am
by Urbanannie81
My husband has always drunk a litre of bourbon every week + wine or beer sometimes....he doesn't drink everyday, but binge drinks his litre bourbon over 2 nights. easily. After drinking this much for 20 years it takes more to feel the effects .. Now, the problem and what i need advice in, is he doesn't see what's wrong with drinking that much every weekend
...he wants me to tell him what is so wrong with it ...he doesn't miss work ,he doesn't get angry (he did years ago and has been violent years ago)... he says he will keep going until he has to slow down...he is 42. Please help. I have an acquired brain injury from an accident in.2000)we have a small mortgage ..I can't work much as I get fatigued..I'm working as a care worker in aged Care and can't earn more than 500 a week. His father was alcoholic and his mother left him when he was 10, but don't dare compare or mention his dad. He is a great Dad apart from his drinking habits. I really was disappointed with his reaction when I spoke to him about his drinking...I even told.him it makes me take my wedding ring off regularly but he didn't seem to Care. I HAVE almost left him before, but haven't.

Re: Introduce yourself here - friends and family

Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2023 10:09 pm
by PnorkelPW
Hi @Urbanannie81 ……..thanks for sharing on the forums. I’m @pnorkelPW, one of the Peer Workers here on the forums. @scorpionPW is also one of the Peer Workers.

This is a tricky one and I’m sure it’s something that’s faced by a lot of people in relationships. It can be very difficult to get someone to change their mind about their drinking habits, especially when they’ve done it for so long. I remember saying to my now ex-wife many times that I had always drunk as much as I did and nothing had changed. That was the problem though………nothing had changed. I hadn’t changed. I hadn’t grown or evolved and my drinking was having the same negative effects, causing the same issues, and the same problems never got any better. I wouldn’t accept that my drinking was a problem. Eventually it got right out of control and not even I could argue about it. I hope your husband is able to realise the issues it’s causing you before it gets to that point though.

There’s an organisation called Al-Anon and it’s for family members of people who drink. They have meetings to share their experience and support each other along the way. Maybe you could attend a meeting and see if you can find some support there? https://www.al-anon.org.au/meetings
There’s also SHARC’s Family Drug Helpline which could be really helpful for you to talk to https://www.sharc.org.au/sharc-programs ... ling-help/

I’d suggest talking to him about the effects his drinking is having on you and the problems it’s causing for you. Just don’t expect change straight away. This will take time. For now it’s about planting the seeds of thought in his mind so that as things go along he might be able to get some understanding and come to his own realisations of the effects it’s having.

Try to pick a good time to talk to him. Not when he’s drinking or the day after drinking. Maybe one night during the week when you can feel an opportunity. It’s important to remember your needs in this too but ultimatums don’t usually work and end up with the other person getting defensive and unreceptive. Maybe you could try to work on a plan with him so that you’re working together on it. If he’s receptive he could try talking to his GP about the hidden effects his drinking might be having on his health.

Unfortunately if he’s not willing to listen it can be very difficult and that’s where the support you might find at Al-Anon could be of benefit. It’s important that you are able to communicate your boundaries and to decide what your boundaries are. There is no easy answer on this and what I always say to people is that the answer lies in how much more they can take. I’d suggest talking with trusted friends and family for support and maybe to a counsellor as well so that you’re supported.

I hope some of this has been helpful. I’m more than happy to keep discussing this and support if I can. Just tag me in your post so I get a notification and I’ll respond when I’m next online.