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  • Shadows and voices... And recovery

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    Shadows and voices... And recovery

    Fri Nov 11, 2022 4:39 am

    I suppose i could post this here too?

    Will continue adding, if this is a suitable area and method for such..? Suppose the idea is somewhere i can publically post an open journal.....or.. Something


    I've been actively using meth for about 5 years now.. previous to that I'd tried it half a dozen/a dozen or so times over a few years, recreationally with close mates (small doses).
    The first night 5ish years ago i sat down and truly had a sesh, with my now fiance, it blew my mind. Basically hooked ever since.

    Previous to that night i was heavily addicted to alcohol and weed. Basically was addicted to both of those for over a decade. Am still addicted to nicotine (must be part of my DNA by now). Once i started using gear often the booze and cones were basically doing nothing, so i naturally just stopped buying either and sunk all my money into smoking meth. Out of the frying pan into the fire... Or whatever the saying is?
    It was great for the first 3-6 months. Pretty much all amazing memories, time of my life.. On it alot. Non stop party mode.

    I was living in a share house with non users (bit of a psychedelic house hold, which i appreciate). It was great. Until it wasn't.

    I believe i can pin point the night when things started to go downhill. Was at a party at a friend's place, for his birthday. Id been up for a few days but hadn't smoked anything in the past 12+ hours. Figured i was all good. Felt good. Started drinking (not that it had much effect). One of my other friends gave me a 10 strip of acid tabs to do whatever with. Previous to this id not mixed my meth intake with any other decently hard drug. Didn't give it another thought. (i grew up on psychedelics, am well versed). Decided to eat a few tabs. Ate a couple more a few hours later. Was feeling AMAZING. Possibly the greatest 5 or so hours in my life. And then... Something in my brain told me i should go sit down in a quiet room alone... Was still getting great, just chilling alone rocking back and forth on a computer chair with great music playing, huge smile on my face...then the switch flipped.

    In a fraction of a second i was ecstatic, and then pure utter terror. I heard A friend talking in another room but couldn't comprehend anything around me. I literally shot up out of my chair, ran out thru the back door and bolted down the street towards the train station. The whole time i could still hear the party in my head. Dozens of voices buzzing in my brain, plotting together coming after me, right behind me, all around me, 0 escape.

    Got to the train station, voices still exploding in my head... Went to the darkest spot, jumped onto the tracks so i could find the best weapon shaped rock/stone/branch/whatever. Found what seemed like a suitable weapon, crouched in the dark and waited for the train.

    Called my missus when i got on and she stayed in the line the entire train ride until she met me at the station id depart from. Phone was pressed hard to my ear, knees to chest, chin down, shaking, complete confusion.

    After pushing it and pushing it more and more, i was starting to be unable to differentiate the voices of people in the house and house mates talking, and my own thoughts/voice inside my head. Shadow people and voices became more and more frequent. Staring at the walls thinking (delusional "knowing") that my friends and other house visitors knew what i was doing. They were talking about me. Plotting, maybe? Laughing at me? Screwing with me? Half the time i was in heaven, the other half in the depths of hell.
    Missus and j ended up moving to a small place just the two of us. Unfortunately it turns out, it was a mistake, where w moved to. Drug intake didn't slow down(had no intention to)...but the thing was, there were ground units beside, above, Infront.. Houses 2 metres to the other side, a populated maccas stones throw, a massive shopping mall 30 seconds walk, 10 seconds walk to a busy main road... A few sky scraper units quite close. Basically...a whole lot of actual noise and voices. Plus direct neighbour (older couple) would fight all the time. The woman would scream every other day.

    Majority of every day I'd be alone inside smoking non stop(partner worked 3-4 days a week), curtains down doors shut. Not being able to shut out the outside noise...my head was an intense bee hive of non stop noise that was impossible to navigate. The outside noise infected my ability to seperate my subconscious mind with conscious. I was literally suspicious of my own thoughts. Battle with myself every day. Pure terror. Shaking and sweating, yelling at walls, peeking out windows, storming outside with knives yelling "yeah i can fucking hear you! Let's just fucking go at it huh?!" Etc.

    Anywhere between 3-7 days awake, a few meals throughout that time..pass out black for 24-48 hours.. come down hard for 12-24 hours.. Have a feed. Self reflect.. The memories of the the week that had just passed.. They didn't seem like my memories. Didn't seem like it was even me in my body when I'd look back on it after coming to. Truly bizzare feeling. But of course, I'd do it all again. Over and over...and over..... And over.

    It became a waking nightmare. I didn't trust anything. I was in constant fight or flight. Fear fear fear fear! More than one occasion i followed(stalked) my partner to work (the massive mall).. Sit across the road for hours with semi decent vision of her... Most of the time not even in a paranoid way..but a self preservation way. I told myself as long as i know what the hell is happening then i won't freak out. Clearly, at the time, i was oblivious to the obvious freaking out i was going thru.

    Many occasions my missus would end up late at night with me cradled in her arms, her rocking me back and forth, singing soothing songs to me, trying to reassure me it's all okay, me freaking out at the ceiling, sometimes yelling things like "i know you're there!"...at no one...

    So for approximately 2 years i lived in what id describe as a living hell within a warzone within a bloodbath... Had to keep smoking and stay awake, because if i fall asleep... That's when they'd get me/fuck with me... It was better to have my eyes open...i genuinely thought.

    Well .. That was the first 2-3 years of my hard addiction... And really the absolute worst of it all.. am nowhere near that stage any more...
    Maybe leave the rest of the story for another time though.

    Didnt intend to type so much... Once i started it was hard to stop though.

    I am incredibly thankful for my now fiance.. i must have put her through alot.. But she stuck with me. (She had gone thru an equally horrific time before i ever met her, so i guess she was and to empathize, sympathise, understand..)

    Sleep is good..... Food is good.... Hydration is good....
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    Re: Shadows and voices... And recovery

    Fri Nov 11, 2022 8:38 pm

    Hi @qboln

    You're a very talented writer. Perhaps more regular creative writing might be a big asset in journalling your recovery? I'd never heard the perils of addiction described so vividly until I read your post.

    Keep up the good work!
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    Re: Shadows and voices... And recovery

    Mon Nov 14, 2022 11:38 am

    Hi @qboln,
    Welcome for joining the community.
    Thank you so much for sharing your experience and story with us in the forum. You have been through some very tough and intense situations.... I can't imagine how I would be like in your situation. I'm glad to hear you are doing much better now and having a lovely partner by your side this whole time.
    Perhaps if you are willing to, you can share some of the things or resources you had that helped you to reach where you are at now, only if you are comfortable sharing them. No pressure~ ;)
    I also want to thank you for all the support or feedback you shared for the other members~ :) Looking forward to hear from you again soon~
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    Re: Shadows and voices... And recovery

    Mon Nov 14, 2022 9:15 pm

    Honestly, think luck and timing was slightly involved with me cutting way back and recovering.

    When i starting smoking slightly less after moving again, we found out we were having a baby, which made us both cut way back (my partner completely). So i didnt have anyone else to smoke with and i WANTED to stop due to incoming parenthood. Cut way back when she was born...then covid hit soonafter. Quality of product went way down during covid and prices went way up (sometimes double the price and half the quality)... So .. also was a big factor

    I guess main things id suggest are, seperating yourself from people/circumstances/environments where whatever you're addicted to is being consumed or sold... Finding something/ways to motivate yourself to get out of the house. I know even when i was in the grips of addiction, whenever I'd leave the house to do something, there'd be A LOT less consumed...of course..lol (not sitting at home puffing and puffing)

    If you can find something that's a couple days a week you can attend that you're interested in, that's good too.. kinda encourages you to shower, eat, sleep... So you're not completely wrecked for whatever it is ...

    But all that comes after getting mentality in the right state... definitely hardest thing to do, for sure... Like i said, i think i was pretty lucky
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    Re: Shadows and voices... And recovery

    Mon Nov 14, 2022 10:44 pm

    @tacocat @Sunflowerseed
    These songs kind of helped me out as well...

    Rates - Nightmare
    This the only therapy I've really got the time for
    Designing these rhymes, as i write in a psych ward
    Sick of fucking skitzin out, Valium won't sit me down
    Sick of feeling guilty, never ever meant to put you down

    It wasn't me you see my personality is splitting up
    Baby I'm not crazy I'm ashamed of all the shit I've done
    And I ain't given up on life, watch me scribble up a rhyme
    I try and fight it but I hide it all inside
    See whats happened in my mind I'm in rehab cause of ice

    And I'm feeling like I'm dreaming i don't need another high
    Today I seen my mother cry I don't need another lie
    My brother come to visit couldn't look him in the fuckin eyes
    I had to struggle by I suffered from these nightmares
    I never told you anything I'm knowing that you guys care
    Sarah standing there and I'm happy that she never left
    She knows I got potential but she's seeing that I'm just a mess

    What a wreck
    I need to get it off my chest
    Took a pack of Panadeine four
    Lucky that I cheated death
    Wish that I could take it back
    All that fucking crazy crap
    Wish I never carried on
    What I'm gonna say to dad

    All I'd have to do is sit him down and he would start to listen
    But I'm scared to tell him cause he's got a heart condition
    This is far from whinging, right now I'm locked up
    In a mental home, and they feeding me a lot of drugs
    And this is hard to admit cause I'm faster
    But my target is to be a better man no more startin shit

    No more sparkin spliffs
    No more fucking harder shit
    No more being violent over comments like my father did

    The violent episodes I'm having man I'm not that guy
    Scott, Sarah, Troy, Dad, Mum, I apologise
    And that is not a lie
    Never did I compromise
    Dad I see the mirror and its telling me I got your eyes

    I really wanna try
    Didn't really wanna die
    Didn't wanna end it all, but the thought it crossed my mind

    Safer if I'm locked inside, don't throw away the key
    Give me a couple months and try it just to wait and see
    Don't need to prove myself, Ratesy never lost a fight
    How would you feel if I woke up and I lost my life

    Hate it how I feel inside
    Hate it how I'm really nice
    Hate it how I changed into this person that can deal with life
    Hate it how I dreamed about the shit that happened years ago
    Hate it how your scared to talk to me you shouldn't fear me no
    I know I carry on a lot
    Smashing walls and then I drop
    Another pill I'm gonna pop
    Whens this ever gonna stop
    Brother can you help me out
    Never have you let me down
    Never have you turned your back
    Appreciate it let it out

    This fucking gimmick has me spinning, tripping out
    All these meds I've gotta take i really wanna spit em out
    Sarah yeah I love you girl
    Doing it for mum as well
    All the drugs I've taken to escape it gonna fuck my health
    Numbing me with drugs it isn't helping man I need to talk
    I see the blood I hear the screams its dreaming but I see it all
    I wanna change my life I'm dangerous and crazy inside
    Lately I hate it, contemplating should I take my life
    People have it worse than me, I know it but it hurts to see
    Me turn into this person thats so hurtful when i wake from dreams
    I wake up in a cold sweat, Sarahs there to hold my hand
    Told her things i didn't mean its tearing out my whole chest
    I'm kinda scared cause your telling me I'm fucked up
    Its fucking bullshit meet my family its just us
    My dads sick its stressing me
    These dreams get the best of me
    They give me down and in an hour get my therapy
    What to tell my fans would they ever understand
    That I'm doing this and hiding out to be a better man

    Did they ever really care
    Yeah I've got my family there
    And I'm lucky that I'm knowing that they'll be here till the end
    I need to seek and find
    Just a little peace of mind
    You need to fill your fucking puzzle mother fucker have a piece of mine
    Say that I'm intimidating
    Charge me with intimidation

    Drop the charges, motherfuckers getting help and sick of waiting
    I wrote this track to speak my mind so say I'm not real
    Place the blame on drug abuse and say its cause I pop pills
    Say that I am faking it, you put up with these hot chills
    Once you've gone and done that you tell me how you gonna feel

    Another dream tonight
    Speak to demons I need to find a happy medium and yeah I need to cry
    I admit that I'm sitting here dripping tears
    As I disappear another pipe to stay crystal clear
    After this I can certainly say that I am tough
    If your thinking otherwise you can go and get fucked!

    Prozak - Audio Barricade
    People tell me that I never really smile maybe
    If they knew me ever since I was a child they'd be
    Understanding the reason for my withdrawal lately
    It's been worse than it has in a long while
    You see my brain just thinks a lot
    Often lost in thought
    Often spaced I just cannot
    Seem to get it together been losing my patience a lot
    Hope for the better whatever anything to make it stop
    If you're feeling like me then you'll understand
    And if you don't I apologize in advance
    But on the other hand
    I don't really give a damn
    Take it or leave it, I am who I am
    Just another person trying to find his way
    Trying to figure it out trying to find my place
    Either lead, follow or get out of the way
    Life is too short, too fast to turn the page

    Turn the page
    Audio barricade
    Audio Barricade
    Audio Barricade
    Audio Barricade

    Audio Barricade

    [Verse 2]
    Sometimes I really think I'm losing it
    I don't really know what I would do without the therapy of music
    Therapeutic no substituting
    Can't erase the pain but sure help subdue it
    Helps me to get through
    Dismiss my issues
    Gives me a lift to a place that's less blue
    Sorta like a force field that protects you
    Audio barricade I suggest you
    Turn it up a little louder
    When you feeling lonesome
    When you feeling down some
    When you really feeling like you hit rock bottom
    And nothing to break your fall but more problems
    And all the walls seem to close in on you
    Nothing but darkness to fall upon you
    Feels like all is lost everything around you
    The sun will rise again you gotta push onward


    [Verse 3]
    Every time I look around I can't help but
    Pray for something or someone to save us
    From our own ways that seem to plague us
    From the dawn of time our hate discontains us
    All we really gotta do is live and let live
    Enjoy the ride of all that exists man and that's it
    Kinda simple ain't it? So why complicate it?
    With all the bullshit and games that people playin'
    If they wanna make their own graves let them lay in it
    All I'm trying to say is don't create your own pain
    Otherwise you'll be the one to blame and that's being honest
    Another lame brain maybe you're walking around us
    Every day can be a new day if you let it
    Try to focus on the positive and not the nega
    Tiv nonsense I'm just saying let it
    Go far by the wayside so many
    People trying to bring you down
    They drag you to the bottom then they try to watch you drown
    And pretending to be friends but yet somehow
    Always a reason to run they mouth
    So jealous

    Complete ft. Bitter Belief - Terminal
    [Intro: Bitter Belief]
    (Chris Wheeler)
    Fuck this shit, man

    [Verse 1: Bitter Belief]
    Sick of slippin' in this pit of evil
    I'm sick of feeling like I'm sick of fickle people
    Sick of wishing that I had a missile just to hit 'em with it
    Sick of feeling like a villain and wishing killing was legal
    I'm sick of being sick of shit
    I'm sick of the restrictions and addictions I'm afflicted with
    Sick of looking at the fist I used to hit my sister with
    Sick of not deserving the forgiveness that my sister gives
    I've adopted to shock 'cause I drown deep
    I'm sick of watching the clock as I count sheep
    Sick of all the options I've got 'cause they sound weak
    But I figured that my plot has been lost without sleep
    I'm sick of feeling like a bible to an atheist
    I'm sick of having dick riders in my radius
    Sick of scraping by [?] to my laziness
    Or feeling like the designated driver to my craziness, man

    [Chorus: Bitter Belief]
    I'm sick of the way that I live my life
    But it's like I don't learn at all
    I'm sick and afraid, so sick that I
    Think that it may be terminal
    I'm sick of the way that I live my life
    But it's like I don't learn at all
    I'm sick and afraid, so sick that I
    Think that it may be terminal

    [Verse 2: Complete]
    I'm sick of suffering and suffocating my soul
    I'm sick of the same substance fucking taking control
    I'm sick of the same judgement stuff, it's taking its toll
    I'm sick of this shit, wish I was tucked away in a hole
    I'm sick of this anxiety that keeps me awake
    I'm sick of people thinking sobriety's easy as cake
    I'm sick of all these haters saying that Complete is a fake
    Saying shit that they'd never say if they could speak to my face
    I'm fucking sick, sick of getting these cigarettes
    Sick of wishing that I could quit 'em when I envision death
    Sick of skipping dinner to sip some liqueur, a fricken' mess
    Sick of sitting scribbling written's 'bout how I'm sick and stressed
    I'm sick of incidents I didn't recall
    'Cause I was blacked out drunk probably picking a brawl
    I'm sick of the booze, sick of the blues, sick of withdrawals
    I'm sick of the rise, sick of the fall, sick of it all, I'm sick of it all

    [Chorus: Complete]
    I'm sick of the way that I live my life
    But it's like I don't learn at all
    I'm sick and afraid, so sick that I
    Think that it may be terminal
    I'm sick of the way that I live my life
    But it's like I don't learn at all
    I'm sick and afraid, so sick that I
    Think that it may be terminal
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    Re: Shadows and voices... And recovery

    Tue Nov 15, 2022 9:30 am

    Hi @qboln. I just listened to that Nightmare song that you put up. What a powerful song! There are far too many songs out there these days that absolutely glorify drug use and not enough honest music like this that actually talks about the perils of addiction and how it can cause a lot of distress in one's life. Thanks for sharing.
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    Re: Shadows and voices... And recovery

    Tue Nov 22, 2022 3:42 am

    Judas wrote:
    Tue Nov 15, 2022 9:30 am
    Hi @qboln. I just listened to that Nightmare song that you put up. What a powerful song! There are far too many songs out there these days that absolutely glorify drug use and not enough honest music like this that actually talks about the perils of addiction and how it can cause a lot of distress in one's life. Thanks for sharing.
    If you're ever interested in listening to similar ...

    Dialectrix - Wrong Turn

    Vents - Morier Ward

    Vents - Sick

    Sugar Boom Boom - Downer & Lalealy

    Slaves - One More Day Won't Hurt

    Yuin Huzami Ft. Mr Laneous - Huz Sane

    Ill Bill - My Uncle

    Will keep adding to the list over time...
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    Re: Shadows and voices... And recovery

    Wed Nov 23, 2022 10:04 pm

    Love this @qboln and @Judas. I'm gonna check some of these tracks out for sure.

    One of my favorites from Bitter Belief is Spinal Mystery:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bisqHBB ... tterBelief
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    Re: Shadows and voices... And recovery

    Sat Nov 26, 2022 5:30 pm

    Sigh .. so i guess ill skip the following couple years (for now) in this kind of journal ive created and move straight onto the past few days...

    My brain feels itchy. My skull feels tight. My jaw feels like it's being held mostly closed by wire. My focus has been extremely heightened, which can make for bad and depressing hours long "investigations".

    Paranoia and anger sitting sternly on my shoulders once again. I hate this fucking drug


    few tears. Followed by more rage. But this rage being directed at myself.

    I need to sleep... Why do i own 6 pipes ?

    At least(?), like always, i manage to suffer alone.. and not spread these feelings and thoughts to any other humans... At least i still have the ability to remind myself..no, demand of myself, that i will not become hollow. I will not become apathetic. Fuck this drug
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    Re: Shadows and voices... And recovery

    Thu Dec 29, 2022 9:46 pm

    Thanks for sharing on this thread @qboln..............it's been fantastic reading and I'm sure it'll go a long way to helping others. I know the reason I kept using drugs was because they made me feel amazing................until they didn't. You've certainly experienced one hell of a ride and I can see why you want to be rid of it. The way you've described the depths it can take you, the ups and downs really struck a chord with me. I'm also big on journaling and getting thoughts out of my head and onto the paper. I hope you keep the journal going. I like that throughout the thread you talk about the difficulties and what's helped to get you through. People will take a lot from that.

    I'm a massive music fan and at some stage I'll try to listen to some of the songs you've suggested. Music has played a big role in my journey and there are times where I just flick around until a playlist finds me. Music can lift me up if I'm down, give me hope, sometimes it even allows me to sit in sadness and just feel emotion. It even gives me energy to clean the house. Music serves so many purposes.

    I can feel the emotion in your last post
    Paranoia and anger sitting sternly on my shoulders once again. I hate this fucking drug

    Have you got anyone helping you with trying to make change?
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