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  • My sister and her "Fiance"

    For friends and family of people with substance problems. Connect with others here to share support and advice today.
    Dogfluff
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2021 12:25 am

    My sister and her "Fiance"

    Sun Jun 27, 2021 1:55 am

    I've recently discovered a lot of disheartening news as of the past 2 weeks regarding my sister and her "fiance", news that me and the rest of my family do not know how to react to.
    What we found was a video sent by my sister to her friend of her husband putting on a so called "act" as they now refer to it, in this video he is being abusive while holding his 3 year old daughter towards my sister, it ends abruptly after he decides to scream at her and the rest is left to imagination. This sort of thing from them is not uncommon but the video really put showed us the kind of aggression they have towards each other, they have had multiple instances of similar behaviour in past and they refuse to do anything about it.

    My other sister in the past setup up a meeting for our families (his and my sisters) to talk about the problems they face and we all wondered in our minds if this had anything to do with substance abuse, finally they were confronted about it face to face but ultimately it was a failed occasion because they lied to us and we foolishly believed them, well now new light has been shined on the matter and after this video was showed to my mother she immediately went to the police which has led to an AVO court order to keep him 500m away from where my sister currently lives, My sisters "fiance" has now admitted to being addicted to ice, this was not a surprise but what was a surprise is that my sister is also a user and has been harbouring him in the house and has been breaking his court order for the past week, this is unconfirmed by the rest of my family but with my curiosity and my sister leaving me the opportunity to "browse" her facebook messages I stumbled upon many truths and lies that my sister has been hiding, first of all she didn't do a good job of hiding it, there were blatant messages from her and her "fiance" attempting to score marijuana and ice and many other things I probably shouldn't have read 0.0 she's coping a lot of flak from all the family members on my side but they are offering support to her and her alone, basically the end goal right now from my families perspective is to separate them but she doesn't want to accept this.

    Of course I'd love to see a happy ending were they get through this ordeal together and remain together forever and their children grow up with Mum and Dad around but this is most likely a far cry from reality, she has now since decided to move to her mother in laws and has disregarded any help offered from our side of the family and is now choosing her "fiance" and his mothers "side". After the video was shown to the police by my mother my sister blocked all contact with her and ever since she and her mother in law have been blaming her for this whole ordeal, the rest of us find this unfair and with the revelation that she was hiding her fiance and lying about it has now made everyone question whether they want to help her at all, I will admit that my family is not the most affectionate family but we are fed up and the amount of sympathy towards to situation is fading and I can see the relationships between my sister and us(her side of the family)fading to nothing. I do not want this to happen but I cannot see a way of avoiding it now, my families concerns are now of the well being of her children and they have contacted docs which have asked her for a drug test, this has sparked even more conflict between my sisters and my mother as she now knows it was them that contacted them, basically I don't know how to feel about everything that has happened and moving forward, I want to help my sister and my niece in any way I can I just have no idea how to approach her about this I have asked her about it already but she lied to me and I just pretended to believe her, I'm treading lightly because I don't want to just explode in anger like the rest of my family and leave her feeling like no one cares about her.

    if anyone has any advice or has seen a family member go through similar circumstances please share with me your stories, Thank you.
    -A concerned brother
    1 x
    Peace Dove
    Community Builder
    Posts: 297
    Joined: Mon May 03, 2021 9:22 am

    Re: My sister and her "Fiance"

    Sun Jun 27, 2021 1:13 pm

    Hi @Dogfluff,

    Welcome to the forums! I'm really sorry to hear everything that's been going on with your sister. Sounds like it's been a lot for yourself and your family. I'ts great that you've reached out for support.

    In terms of the domestic violence between your sister and her fiancee, there are support services that can help you and her: https://www.respect.gov.au/services/
    The national number of Relationships Australia is 1300 364 277. They offer support groups and counselling on relationships, and for abusive and abused partners. They might be able to support as a family member on how to approach the matter and might also provide some legal advice/guidance, especially since there is already an AVO in place.

    In terms of your sister's substance(s) use, there are plenty of alcohol and other drugs services available to help her, however, she needs to want to receive the help. These same services provide support for family members such as yourself. If you’re interested in face-to-face counselling, you can call the National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline on 1800 250 015 to have a chat about what’s been going on, but also to be linked in with counselling in your local area. These sessions are usually free and are completely confidential.

    You can also call our alcohol and other drugs phone counsellors 24/7 for free on the following numbers:
    -Australian Capital Territory (02) 6207 9977
    -New South Wales 1800 422 599 (Regional) (02) 9361 8000 (Metropolitan)
    -Northern Territory 1800 131 350
    -Queensland 1800 177 833 (Regional) (07) 3837 5989 (Metropolitan)
    -South Australia 1300 131 340
    -Tasmania 1800 811 994
    -Victoria 1800 888 236 (DirectLine)
    -Western Australia 1800 198 024 (Regional) (08) 9442 5000 (Metropolitan)

    Alternatively, you can also speak to the same counsellors through our web chat service. Additionally, I highly recommend you go through the Helping others section in our website.

    I know I've said it already, but I'm genuinely sorry to hear you're caught up in this family cross-fire between your mom and your sister. Your concern for your niece is valid and understandable. It sounds like it's been a bit overwhelming for you to have read your sister's facebook messenger, so please don't hesitate to ring the counsellors so you can unpack this more with them.

    Hopefully, our peer workers @ScorpionPW and @PnorkelPW can provide you with a bit more of advice. I wonder if some of the members of our community would like to share their experiences with you and give you some other advice too @doinit4ourkidz @Dani85 @Deyfhob @Katiee @apples123 @Strugglingmethaddict @Alaok

    Please take care of yourself and reach out at anytime, we're here to help.
    0 x
    ScorpionPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 255
    Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2021 10:06 am

    Re: My sister and her "Fiance"

    Tue Jun 29, 2021 8:56 pm

    Hi @Dogfluff,

    Thank you so, so much for having the courage to come on here and share all of that with us. I appreciate this must have taken a lot of courage and I take my hat off to you for that.

    It sounds really hard holdling all of that and I'm wondering if you have any support through all of this?

    I have had times where I have had close friends and also my parents struggle with addiction and at times, not knowing how to support them and feeling very angry and powerless a lot of the time. I learnt the painful lesson that unless somebody is willing to be helped, there's not much I can do to help until something changes and they become willing.

    I also understand that having your niece involved adds a whole other layer of concern and challenge in this. She is lucky to have an uncle as concerned and wanting to help as you are.

    A great place to seek help for somebody who is in a situation such as yours is Family Drug & Gambling Help:

    https://www.sharc.org.au/sharc-programs ... ling-help/

    They have a 24/7 helpline where you can get support from people who have a lived experience of family members or loved ones having gone through addiction. They also have a lot of different support groups for family members and other resources.

    I hope you can find some solice in seeking some support and just know that we are always here.

    Have you found anyways that help you to look after yourself throughout all of this?
    2 x
    PnorkelPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 231
    Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2021 3:14 pm

    Re: My sister and her "Fiance"

    Thu Jul 01, 2021 10:09 pm

    Hi @Dogfluff ………this is a really tricky situation and @Peace Dove and @ScorpionPW have both given some great advice.

    @ScorpionPW touched on a really valid point and that’s making sure that both you and your family are getting some professional support through this too. All the focus goes to the user and families are expected to just get through it. Please make sure you speak to your GP , Pysychologist or a counsellor through this because it’s not an easy road ahead for any of you.

    I respect the position you’re taking and the approach to helping your sister. In my experience one of the most important things you can do is to let her know that when she’s ready to get help then you’ll be there to support her. There’s no timeframe on when this might happen and given that child services and authorities are involved it has potential to get harder for all involved.

    No one can make her decisions except her and that could be really hard to watch. If it comes down to it you may be best off distancing yourself from the situation but supporting your family. Like I said, let your sister know that you want to support her when she’s ready to get help. Just be available to her through this………if you can. A lot of the time with people using substances it’s impossible to tell them what to do and only makes them push back harder.

    Knowing she has someone to turn to when she’s ready may just be exactly what she needs……..when she’s ready
    2 x
    ScorpionPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 255
    Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2021 10:06 am

    Re: My sister and her "Fiance"

    Thu Jul 08, 2021 9:01 pm

    Hi @Dogfluff,

    I just wanted to touch base and see if any of this has landed for you?

    If you've gotten any other support or found any solace/relief from all of this?
    0 x

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