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  • Where to go from here

    For friends and family of people with substance problems. Connect with others here to share support and advice today.
    Cmonletsgo
    Junior Member
    Posts: 5
    Joined: Sun May 02, 2021 7:49 am

    Where to go from here

    Tue May 04, 2021 10:30 am

    Where to start?
    Hubby has always been a drinker but I want bad until about 3 years ago when he had the weight loss surgery. After that it got progressively worse. He likes the pub, the pokies and a few beers.
    May last year it got worse with the drinking and he would be out all night. Even through covid he was at mates or his parents house drinking all night. In June I said it has to change it it’s gonna get worse between us. It didn’t change and at the end of July I kicked him out and told him if I ask him to move back in and he does it will be because he is ready to work on the issues and is again. He moved back in in October and he was different and very emotionless. I later found out he had starting using cocaine. By December he was cut off/ emotionless, never home, always at the pub drinking and gambling. I realise by now he was addicted to cocaine. In feb this year I moved out with our 2 youngest kids and told him to get help. He is in denial about being addicted to coke. That’s where the man I love is lost. About two weeks ago we had a massive talk. Whilst he didn’t say he is addicted or anything he did finally tell me the truth about everything. My husband is so so so lost in his head and his heart right now. He cried and cried and cried for our 11 hour talk. He told me stuff that I knew was so hard to tell me. Some stuff took him 20-40 mins to tell me because he was so upset. I thought this might be the start of him seeing what’s happened to our family, fast forward to last Friday and I tried to get my husband to see where he is at. The kids have wanted to talk to him about old daddy and new daddy. They only notice that new daddy isn’t around much . The older daughter knows different. She knows it all. Well my youngest went to talk to him and he shut her down and told her it’s what I have put in her head. My oldest daughter tried aswell with the same reactions. He now hates me. Truely absolutely hates me and my heart is so so so broken. I have now drawn the line and will not talk to him unless it’s texts to do with the kids. I knew this had to happen. I was told he had to feel the loss of me in his life. We have been together 21 years. I am lucky compared to some. My husband doesn’t yell, isn’t violent, the bills are paid, he doesn’t of drugs near the kids only when he is out for the night. He doesn’t excessively drink near the kids- he barely drinks at all near them and will have a few when they are in bed. He is an awesome dad to the kids . I keep looking for reassurance that if/when my husband hopefully eventually sees what going on and gets sober he will remember all the times I tried to get him help and help him and remember how much I love him and that I tried. In one way I’m looking for reassurance that when my husband hits his moment that he will see this and I guess I’m looking for reassurance from others in this position that can tell me if when their partners sort of woke up they still loved them. I’ve been searching online for stories from addicts in this position and what their rock bottom was and their feelings at the time. Hubby said he has processed the feelings of loosing his family and where he is at but I have always been able to feel what he is feeling and there is no way he has. I have constantly reassured him that when he is ready I will be there to help him. I have now just started to cut him out. I would message or call before for Mundine stuff just to make sure he was alright with out us there. I have stopped that as of two days ago and it’s pretty much silent between us now - I know he has to not have me there to understand what life will be like with out us there full time but I also understand he can not rationalise this at the moment. Did anyone else wipe their hubby. and can let me know how that went. The ultimate goal is to ghost him until he sees his problem and gets help. My heart tells me that my hubby will eventually wake up. I would do anything for that man and I will wait for however long it needs with tough love. Anyone in the same position shed some light on my feelings and where I am at with this and how their journey went .

    Atm he is not ready to see the problem. He is still doing everything he was doing before and he has said straight out that atm he does not want me but he can not imagine me not there long term. I have set myself a date for which I will wait and see how he goes and after that I will move on .
    1 x
    Peace Dove
    Community Builder
    Posts: 41
    Joined: Mon May 03, 2021 9:22 am

    Re: Where to go from here

    Tue May 04, 2021 5:28 pm

    Hi @Cmonletsgo,

    I'm very touched reading your story. As you mentioned, hubby has several addictions: alcohol, gambling, pub and the most recent is cocaine. Unfortunately, cocaine is one of the most addictive drugs, and it has the potential to modify a person's brain's chemistry depending on amount and frequency of use. This 'emotionless'' attitude you're describing is likely related to his cocaine use.

    It was incredibly brave of you to set boundaries last year and ask him to move out. However, he came back home after three months and rather than having changed his habits, he picked up a new very dangerous addiction. Seems like you're a very intelligent woman and a very caring mother because once more you put yourself and your kids first and moved out with your 2 youngest kids.

    Where to go from here? I think only you know the answer. You cannot do the 'hard work' for him if he's not willing to do it himself. What is in your hands is what you've done so far, take care of yourself and your kids.

    I'm curious, why are you unsure if you'll still love him after he hits rock bottom? Whatever he chooses to do or not, you can still help him when he is ready. Whether it will be still as his partner or only as the mother of his kids, that is up to you. In the end, you've seen that the situation is affecting your children. So I'm sure you'll help him in either position for the sake of them anyway.

    @Craig PW and @ScorpionPW, do you have any advice for Cmonletsgo?

    Cmonletsgo, I'm really glad you've come to the forums to vent out and seek support. Please know that you're not alone, we're always here to support you in whatever way we can. Keep in touch and keep us posted on how things go with you and your family.
    0 x
    Cmonletsgo
    Junior Member
    Posts: 5
    Joined: Sun May 02, 2021 7:49 am

    Re: Where to go from here

    Wed May 05, 2021 5:31 am

    Hi, I think I worded it wrong. It’s not a matter if I will love him when he hits rock bottom. I love him with everything I am. I was meaning when he hits his “rock bottom” or has his moment will he still love me and when his brain clears will he see very thing I did to try and make us work and get him help?

    I am seeing my gp today for a referral to a drug and alcohol councillor. I need to speak to someone face to face at times and have some reassurance. I would also like to see if there are courses etc that I can do to help me atm with how to talk to him and the best ways to communicate ( not in talking about getting him help but in every day stuff about the kids).

    I would also like to learn how to deal and handle it if my husband does have his moment and asks for help.

    It’s a stupid , crazy thing this addiction. While it seems my husband is blocking his emotions out and especially hates /despises me our connection that we have always had is still there. We have always been able to feel what each other is feeling no matter where we are . I keep saying to myself “there is no way my husband is feeling my heartbreak because if he was he wouldn’t be able to stand” . Two nights ago i could feel what my husband was feeling. I woke up in the middle of the night shaking uncontrollably, choking and a pounding head. I felt dizzy and just wanted to vomit.

    This road is scary as a spouse. It’s so uncertain and I know my hubby is in there somewhere- I feel it. It’s just the uncertainty of how long it takes to have his moment and he has told me straight out he loves his life atm. Going out doing what he wants, whom he wants and when he wants. Pretty hard to change that.

    Thanks for your reply
    1 x
    Peace Dove
    Community Builder
    Posts: 41
    Joined: Mon May 03, 2021 9:22 am

    Re: Where to go from here

    Wed May 05, 2021 8:39 am

    Good morning @Cmonletsgo,

    Oh, ok. I understand better now. It's great that you're seeing your GP today for a referral to a drug and alcohol councillor. That's going to be really helpful. If in the meantime to your face-to-face appointment you want to speak to one, you can call 24/7 for free our counsellors in the following numbers:

    -Australian Capital Territory (02) 6207 9977
    -New South Wales 1800 422 599 (Regional) (02) 9361 8000 (Metropolitan)
    -Northern Territory 1800 131 350
    -Queensland 1800 177 833 (Regional) (07) 3837 5989 (Metropolitan)
    -South Australia 1300 131 340
    -Tasmania 1800 811 994
    -Victoria 1800 888 236 (DirectLine)
    -Western Australia 1800 198 024 (Regional) (08) 9442 5000 (Metropolitan)

    You might also find some useful information in these posts:
    -Loved ones can also find it tough
    -People want to help: Supporting family and friends through a loved one’s addiction
    -Accessing support for yourself

    I really hope that things work out for you and your family. Please keep reaching out at anytime.
    1 x
    Craig PW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 79
    Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2020 1:35 pm

    Re: Where to go from here

    Thu May 06, 2021 9:30 pm

    Hi @Cmonletsgo

    Where to start with this one?...........I can only share my story and maybe provide some insight from the other side of the coin because almost a decade ago I was living a similar lifestyle to your husband and the situation you're describing resonated strongly with me. I want to congratulate you on the boundaries you have put in place and the attitude you seem to have approached the situation with. My ex-wife approached things in a similar way.............unfortunately I was in far too much denial and stuck way too deep in addiction to do anything about it.

    It's now 8 and a half years since my now ex-wife put her boundaries in place and I left the house, the marriage and our two year old daughter because my addictions had destroyed the trust and I was a shell of the man she married. We now share a wonderful friendship and co-parent our daughter very successfully. We still put each other down as next of kin when required and support each other through all sorts of situations but the damage I did through those years will never be undone. She did what she had to do and three years later I hit rehab. Through those three years my addictions got worse and I hit rock bottoms I never thought possible.........one I very nearly didn't make it back from. She never stopped me seeing my daughter but I was restricted to one day per week for a long time..............that was more through my inability to stay straight than her want to stop me seeing her. I'm sure I could have seen more of her if I was clean and sober but I couldn't manage it at the time. Depression and denial had me by the balls and the substances were the only things that seemed to help........until they stopped working.

    I don't like to give advice or tell people what to do but I will say this..........you have to keep looking after yourself and putting your kids first. These days we are a family...........just a different kind of family. My daughter has two homes which she goes between happily and is a well adjusted kid. If we'd stayed together trying to hold on to the remnants of a relationship that would never have happened. These days we go out for family dinners, support each other and have some tough times too because that's what life is about. What we do is put our daughter first. We're better friends now that we were for those years my addictions took complete control of my life.

    It was never a question of whether I loved my ex. I loved her deeply but I couldn't show it because of the buildup of shame and guilt. The further my addictions took me the more I knew I was letting her down. The only thing I knew to do was to build a wall and pretend it wasn't happening, that everything was okay and it would all work out in the end. I was putting up a front to myself, to her and to the world around me. I was never taught to show my emotions or how to handle them. The only thing I knew to do was to bury them deeper and deeper and sweep it all under the carpet. Our marriage split hurt me worse than anything ever has in my life............I just didn't know how to handle it. If I'm totally honest........I still love her.........I'm just not in love with her. Nothing will ever undo the good years and even through the worst years after our split she helped me when I asked. She never enabled me though. If I asked for real help she helped me get the supports I needed and to maintain those supports,. She helped me stay in contact with my recovery program because that's what was best for me and our daughter. I wouldn't be in the same strong place in my recovery without her support. We will never get back together though.......that part of the jpurney is over. When your husband is ready to accept help maybe you can support him too.......the outcome of your marriage is for you two to work out. Just don't lose sight of what's best for you.

    As far as looking after yourself and finding some support can I suggest Al-Anon or Narc-Anon. They're for families of people living in addiction and you'll be able to hear and share stories with others. You'll be able to find out what boundaries they have put in place and get some support so that you don't have to do this alone. You hit the nail on the head when you said he isn't willing to see the problem............or maybe he sees the pronblem but is just powerless to do anyrthing about it and puts up bigger walls. Addiction makes us do that. Makes us build the walls to isolate us and keep us trapped whilst creating the illusion that we're doing what we want and having a great time.

    It's impossible to help someone who won't accept help..........keep your boundaries firm and don't lose sight of yourself.

    Take from this what you will...............I hope it helps in some way
    2 x
    Cmonletsgo
    Junior Member
    Posts: 5
    Joined: Sun May 02, 2021 7:49 am

    Re: Where to go from here

    Tue May 11, 2021 7:21 am

    Thank you for your insight. It’s much appreciated. I see the man that loves me occasionally. But the words he says hurt too much atm. He said the same as you- he loves me but he isn’t in love with me. He doesn’t want me but no one else can have me.

    I am now in therapy and I’m still journaling. My hope is one day when he is getting help instead of us talking - he can read the journal. It has our everyday lives , it has the meltdowns our children have, it has my feeling and thoughton everything including everytime he has been with another woman while on drugs and alcohol.

    I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but I can say days like today I’m ready to walk away for good and never look back.

    When the evidence of all he is doing especially the women is thrown in my face it destroys the soul just a little more every time.

    I have forgiven but not forgotten so far. And even today I still love him with everything I am. Unfortunately I am seeing my love might be what he doesn’t want when he is ready for help.
    Last edited by Cmonletsgo on Tue May 11, 2021 11:40 am, edited 2 times in total.
    0 x
    Cmonletsgo
    Junior Member
    Posts: 5
    Joined: Sun May 02, 2021 7:49 am

    Re: Where to go from here

    Tue May 11, 2021 9:34 am

    I wouldn’t like to put you out or bring up any bad memories but would you mind if I asked some question about when you were in a bad place ?
    0 x
    Peace Dove
    Community Builder
    Posts: 41
    Joined: Mon May 03, 2021 9:22 am

    Re: Where to go from here

    Wed May 12, 2021 1:31 pm

    @Craig PW @ScorpionPW, please see question above from Cmonletsgo. Thanks!
    0 x
    Craig PW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 79
    Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2020 1:35 pm

    Re: Where to go from here

    Thu May 13, 2021 8:59 pm

    @Cmonletsgo I'm here to share my experiences and my story. These days I'm pretty comfortable with where I've been and what's happened so by all means................ask away. I'm good with my boundaries too so I'll let you know if it's something I don't want to talk about.

    Just so you know I'm online here every Monday and Thursday nights so I'll respond to your questions then but feel free to drop them here whenever you like. By typing my name using the @ before my name I'll get a notification when I'm online and know to respond. Use @Craig PW

    What would you like to ask me????
    1 x
    Craig PW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 79
    Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2020 1:35 pm

    Re: Where to go from here

    Thu May 13, 2021 9:34 pm

    @Cmonletsgo protecting yourself is going to be paramount moving forwards and it sounds like you're starting to do that. What's important here is you and your kids. What's best for you? What's best for them?

    I hope your GP is able to link you in with some good supports because they'll be important moving forwards. Hopefully they can link you in with a psychologist or counsellor who can help you establish the effective communication processes you mentioned in order to convey everything you feel important in this situation. I remember someone sharing at a meeting once about grieving their divorce.........it really struck me. I never realised that's what I was doing. I'd never associated the grieving process with anything other than death. That's where the professional supports can come in handy too.

    Do you have people, friends, family who can support you through this?

    I love that you're journalling, it just helps get the emotions out and make them easier to process..........well that's my experience anyway. I don't know where I'd be without my daily journal.
    1 x

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