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  • How to tackle conversation with my husband?

    For friends and family of people with substance problems. Connect with others here to share support and advice today.
    FeelingLost
    Junior Member
    Posts: 2
    Joined: Fri Apr 09, 2021 9:46 am

    How to tackle conversation with my husband?

    Fri Apr 09, 2021 9:56 am

    Hello- new here and hoping for some advice...
    My partners cocaine use has been increasing for some time now. He’ll lie to me about buying it and taking it, and takes it at home, sneaking off to the bathroom to do so. If I confront him and try to have an honest conversation about it, in a very caring manner mind you, he gets angry and defensive and the convo goes nowhere. It’s a weekly occurrence now, and I know that he doesn’t want to be doing it. He’ll admit that, and be very apologetic when he’s ‘coming down’ the next day. But outside of those moments, it feels impossible to talk to him about it. It always ends up being my fault and I drive him to do it. It’s ruining our relationship and my trust and I feel constantly paranoid about whether he’s high or not and looking for signs.
    How do I have the conversation in a productive way, without him getting angry and defensive and shutting it down?
    Advice appreciated, thank you.
    1 x
    Tundra
    Moderator
    Posts: 13
    Joined: Fri Aug 21, 2020 11:52 am

    Re: How to tackle conversation with my husband?

    Fri Apr 09, 2021 12:20 pm

    Hello @FeelingLost

    I am currently moderating the forum and just want to say that I'm very sorry to hear that you are struggling with your partner and his cocaine use. It's such a difficult space to be in with someone you love so much. It's very normal for him to become defensive, especially when he is feeling triggered to want to use it, and then feel motivated to change but only during the come down. It sounds like he's very ambivalent at the moment about initiating change, which is understandably tough for you. It's certainly not your fault and unfair for him to blame that on you.

    Is this the first time you have reached out for support? Wondering if anyone else in your life is aware this is going on for you?
    0 x
    FeelingLost
    Junior Member
    Posts: 2
    Joined: Fri Apr 09, 2021 9:46 am

    Re: How to tackle conversation with my husband?

    Fri Apr 09, 2021 1:00 pm

    Thank you Tundra. I’ve been very open with my parents, who I’m close to, so that helps. And I’ve made an appointment for myself to see an addiction counselor next week for some advice. Partner has asked me to help him stop many times, but feels that I’m not doing anything to help. It’s difficult when any conversation I try to have seems to inflame the situation and only push him further away. He also changed his phone password after I used his text messages as proof last week when I tried to talk to him about it. So now I only have my gut instinct an the ‘signs’ to go by, which makes me second guess myself all the time
    0 x
    Hermes
    Moderator
    Posts: 54
    Joined: Thu Aug 20, 2020 8:33 am

    Re: How to tackle conversation with my husband?

    Mon Apr 12, 2021 8:35 am

    Hey @FeelingLost it all sounds quite confusing for you both atm, I wonder though what sort of help he believes you should be helping him with, have you gently enquired that of him? Sometimes our partners expect us to have the answers but are unable to put into words what they want us to actually do for them so Im guessing it might be worth another try at conversationally asking him what sort of support he wants you to give him?
    0 x
    TheDees
    Moderator
    Posts: 150
    Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 4:29 pm

    Re: How to tackle conversation with my husband?

    Mon Apr 26, 2021 12:02 pm

    Hi @FeelingLost,

    Just wanted to check up on you. How have things been going since we last heard from you?

    If you saw the AOD counsellor, how did that go?

    Please keep reaching out. We're here for you.

    The Team
    :)
    0 x

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