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  • Day 0

    The impact of ICE/Methamphetamine use can be significant and problematic. Join this forum to find support and conversations on changing ICE use and recovery.
    PnorkelPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 231
    Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2021 3:14 pm

    Re: Day 0

    Mon Aug 23, 2021 9:19 pm

    Another excuse to use I've often told myself is that after a bender, I am so productive.
    @initae89 Excuses, justifications, reasons………..they’re all the same. The fact that you recognise it is a great thing

    What I always found with the justifications I used was that they weren’t sustainable………nothing about my using life was ever sustainable……….things just went slowly downhill. What I thought was productive was actually far from it………..the crashes turned into negative productivity pretty quickly and the scales were tipped well out of balance

    Try writing down the reasons you don’t want to use and when the justifications start presenting in your head read over your list and speak them out loud. See if you can flip your thinking back to not using………this is another delaying technique which you’ve been doing such a great job of implementing so far.

    I have to say I’m really enjoying reading your posts……….the early days are so bloody hard. When was the last time you had this many days up??? Journalling is so important to me and I’ve noticed I need to flip my mindset with that every now and then too. Sometimes it’s important for me to look at a day and only write about positives. It can be really easy to end up focused on the negatives and write about the crappy feelings day after day………..how hard it is. Every now and then try to look at what was good about a day………it might be that you were on time for work, that you smiled a couple of times, a nice lunch you ate or maybe it’s just the fact that you were able to work through the cravings. I’ve noticed that you’re already doing that and it’s awesome to read.

    Thanks heaps for sharing your journal on here……….you may not realise it now but there will be a lot of people reading this and identifying with what you’re saying. You’re not just helping yourself on here, you’re helping others. The best thing is that these days you’ve written about on here are going to continue to help other people for a long, long time.
    I've been telling myself that I want to stay in recovery because I want to stop having to fight so hard to stay in recovery. If that makes sense at all.
    I also love this quote of yours……….it really struck me, had me thinking for ages and makes a lot of sense

    The early days are sooooo hard and that’s ultimately a part of what inspired me to stay on track. I just didn’t want to put myself through those early days again. Every time I went back into addiction it was harder to pull myself out again and I regretted that decision to use again more than anything. If I’m being completely honest I don’t know if I’ll make it out of another relapse so I’m determined to make the most of this one.


    The first week is usually the worst and once you’re through the physical battle it become easier to keep winning the mental battle. Staying in recovery is always a battle but it gets easier over time. It’s great to see that you’re modifying your mindset and simplifying your thoughts about a day at a time. I’m always reminded of the question “How do you eat an elephant?”………….the answer is one bit at a time. Keep taking it day by day and focus on the positives……..you’re doing an amazing job
    2 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 41
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Day 0

    Wed Aug 25, 2021 9:18 am

    Thanks for saying that @ScorpionPW. It means so much to know that you’ve walked that path. It inspires me to keep at it.

    It’s been nearly a week, and I can gradually feel the fog lifting from my brain. I’ve also been taking evening walks with my partner. It feels good. I feel good. Still taking it a day at a time.
    1 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 41
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Day 0

    Wed Aug 25, 2021 9:26 am

    Thanks @PnorkelPW for all the kind words and yes, it’s already getting better and just, just slightly easier.

    I have also been reading about the science behind addiction, especially ICE/Meth, and it’s helped me a lot.

    Being gay, meth is unfortunately intertwined with a big portion of the hookup and casual sex scene on apps like Grindr, Squirt. So I’ve decided to abstain from sex, and delete all of these apps.

    If anyone wants to know more - Lust, Men and Meth by David Fawcett, PhD - has been so enlightening. I believe many gay men who are using or used meth will find the book highly relatable. It offers useful suggestions on finding a way back to sober sex and a meth free life.
    3 x
    ScorpionPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 256
    Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2021 10:06 am

    Re: Day 0

    Wed Aug 25, 2021 8:39 pm

    Thanks for coming on here and sharing your journey with us every step of the way @initae89.

    You're doing such an amazing job and it's great that you're starting to notice the fog lift a bit and get some clarity back.

    I really do take my hat off to you tackling this especially at the moment with everything going on. I'm not sure if you're somewhere in lockdown but either way it's just so great that you're finding simple things to help you through each day.

    Even for myself, being in recovery for over 12 years it's so important for me to get a reminder like that to just go for a walk, get some air and get out of the house. I love how much we can learn from eachother in recovery no matter how different our walks of life are or what stages of the journey we are at.

    Just keep on keeping on and seriously well done on getting a week up, thats huge! :)
    3 x
    PnorkelPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 231
    Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2021 3:14 pm

    Re: Day 0

    Thu Aug 26, 2021 9:10 pm

    Thanks for sharing that @initae89 ..........there'll be a lot of people who need that info

    You touch on a really great point as often other behaviours can replace substance addiction and for some that becomes sex. I know for me this is true and when I'm out of alignment I start looking for something to make me feel better............sex. I need to be sure my motives when meeting people are pure or that I'm communicating honestly. I commend you for realising this and taking a break. Concentrating on yourself and just staying clean needs to be prime focus.

    A lot of people in early recovery use sex to act out and end up getting waaaaay off track. It just complicates things. It's hard enough keeping yourself on track without having the extra worries of maintaining relationships............even if they are casual flings. Sex involves feelings and emotions which can result in a feeling of emptiness................-and that's a really dangerous space to hold. When that emptiness hits it's easy to start looking for something to fill the void.

    This is why SLA exists. Sex and Love Anonymous is full of people in recovery from substance addiction because sex becomes an addiction in itself.

    I encourage you to seek out a DVD called Pleasure Unwoven............it's one of the best resources I've come across that explains addiction
    1 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 41
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Day 0

    Mon Aug 30, 2021 9:11 am

    PnorkelPW wrote:
    Thu Aug 26, 2021 9:10 pm
    Thanks for sharing that @initae89 ..........there'll be a lot of people who need that info
    I encourage you to seek out a DVD called Pleasure Unwoven............it's one of the best resources I've come across that explains addiction
    Thanks so much for sharing that with me/us @PnorkelPW. Every passing Monday in recovery gets just that much easier. Instead of using, I decided to reward myself in other ways - getting a massage for instance.

    Urges do come in passing. Using the techniques I've learnt here like the 4Ds, have been incredibly useful.
    3 x
    PnorkelPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 231
    Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2021 3:14 pm

    Re: Day 0

    Mon Aug 30, 2021 8:57 pm

    Awesome to hear @initae89 …………it does get easier over time.

    Love to hear you’re rewarding yourself with things like massages……….they truly are rewards and have long lasting effects that only result in feeling good with none of the downside.

    Glad to hear the techniques you’re using are working………..it’s simple stuff sometimes and I remember thinking things like the 4D’s were just a load of bulldust but I discovered they work and it’s the simplicity that makes them so effective.

    Keep up the good work, keep rewarding yourself in a positive manner and keep surfing those urges!!
    1 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 41
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Day 0

    Tue Aug 31, 2021 8:31 am

    Last night, I had terrible dreams with me using (I think?). Woke up with urges.

    Made a decision to stay in recovery today. Just wanted to say it out into the world.

    Making that decision got easier this week. I'm happy for that.
    1 x
    Lhiver
    Community Builder
    Posts: 295
    Joined: Tue May 04, 2021 9:59 am

    Re: Day 0

    Tue Aug 31, 2021 11:13 am

    @initae89 Bad dreams are the worst, especially when they influence how you feel when you wake up!

    We're here to hear you! I love the positive energy of this, you've made a great choice! I'm glad to hear that that decision is getting easier to make, remember, one day at a time. :D
    0 x
    Peace Dove
    Community Builder
    Posts: 297
    Joined: Mon May 03, 2021 9:22 am

    Re: Day 0

    Sun Sep 19, 2021 4:17 pm

    Hey @initae89,

    Just wanted to check in and ask how you have been going?

    :)
    1 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 41
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Day 0

    Mon Sep 20, 2021 9:10 am

    Hey @Peace Dove

    I’ve been busy at work. Things have been incredibly stressful. Home life has been great. So things we’re going ok. But I have been looking for an outlet, an escape. I call it a reset.

    Monday came along and I found myself alone at home. I nearly made some bad choices.

    But I’ve decided to stay in recovery today. It’s tough.
    2 x
    Peace Dove
    Community Builder
    Posts: 297
    Joined: Mon May 03, 2021 9:22 am

    Re: Day 0

    Mon Sep 20, 2021 10:40 am

    Hi @initae89,
    Sorry to hear things have been stressful but it's good to know home life is going great.
    Are there other things you like to do that can also work as an outlet such as exercise, meditation or cooking?
    Congrats for deciding to stay in recovery! That really shows your very strong determination, well done!
    :)
    0 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 41
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Day 0

    Wed Oct 06, 2021 8:18 pm

    So, I relapsed. And again 2 weeks later.

    I feel quite ashamed because the community here @PnorkelPW @Lhiver and @Peace Dove have been nothing short of giving and supportive.

    On the day I posted that I made a decision to stay in recovery, it was true then. But later in the day, the dealer texted me offering goods. And I caved.

    One mistake I made was dropping off from the forum when things got busy. Without some guardrails, the mind can come up with many a rationale.

    One "bizarre" rationale I had this last relapse was that I am more productive and industrious after a relapse. I go about packing, cleaning and doing all the long-ignored chores.
    0 x
    User avatar
    teapot
    Moderator
    Posts: 58
    Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2020 2:54 pm

    Re: Day 0

    Wed Oct 06, 2021 11:54 pm

    I'm sorry to hear about your relapse, @initae89 , it sounds like a bit of a perfect storm between dropping off the forums and getting that message from your old dealer. I know it's frustrating, but relapses are a part of the process and we can learn from them.
    1 x
    initae89
    Member
    Posts: 41
    Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2021 9:02 am

    Re: Day 0

    Thu Oct 07, 2021 10:45 am

    Thanks for the words of encourage @teapot .
    One other thing I learned (finally) was that the start of the week alone at home is a big trigger and that I have to be more vocal about it with my partner.

    Last night as I was falling asleep, I was putting together the list of Pros and Cons of using, for me:
    Pros:
    - Euphoria
    - Confidence
    - Sex
    - Escape from the mundane + growing list of work and home tasks that never end
    - Almost a "forced time off" - and I am quite disciplined in that I rarely ever go on for more than 2 days/1 night.
    - Refocused and recharged at the end of it -> It's actually one of the things that makes it seem almost Ok?

    Cons:
    - Sober sex is near impossible, or barely pleasant now
    - Cost
    - Health, can literally see the effects on the complexion
    - STDs
    - Hurting myself physically in some ways
    - I do make irresponsible work decisions sometimes - cancelling meetings and such
    - Short term memory loss
    - Indiscriminate in terms of sexual partners
    - Increasing frequency of use in the last 1 year
    - It's illegal

    A few things changed for me 18 months ago:
    - I moved away from my parents and moved in with my partner in a new city
    - A career change + Covid meant that I stopped travelling entirely for work and started working from home.
    - In the past, I was preoccupied for at least 6 to 8 weeks at a time with traveling + work and surrounded by colleagues. I also did not have easy access and opportunity to drugs in the same way I do now.
    - Now, I am mostly alone during the day - my partner works outside the home. As a freelancer, I also have a lot of flexibility in how I plan my time.

    I definitely have a dependency issue - especially as it comes to sex. In fact, I think sex is a big trigger because sexual thoughts bring up meth use. But I don't feel I have quite accepted that I am powerless over addiction / drug use.

    I was doing the take it a day at a time strategy, and it worked... for 30 days? Do I have a problem? What do I do about it?
    2 x

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