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  • Why do you want change?

    This is a space visited by peer workers who have a lived experience of addiction and recovery and is an opportunity to relate to and draw hope from those who have been through similar things as you.
    Craig PW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 79
    Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2020 1:35 pm

    Why do you want change?

    Thu Apr 29, 2021 9:48 pm

    Whenever I talk to anyone trying to make change in their lives I always ask why? What is it about the way your life is now that you don't like and why do you want change?

    Staying focused on those reasons is often what can get you through the darkest times.

    I wanted to be a better father, improve my mental health and to live. When I say to live I have different meanings for that........first my physical health was deteriorating and I felt like my body was shutting down.........second my mental health was taking me to darker places..........thirdly I was sick of stuffing everything up all the time and wanted to finally see what I was capable of if drugs and alcohol weren't involved. All of this and the fact that I felt like I was on a constant merry-go-round of getting clean and feeling better then using again and going downhill faster and deeper into weeks/months/years of heavy addiction. That was starting to take a toll I was afraid I wouldn't get through. Isolated, scared and alone I was finally willing to do whatever it took to get life back on track............permanently.

    So I'd love to hear.............What is it about the way your life is now that you don't like and why do you want change?
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    Minnie mouse
    Member
    Posts: 39
    Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2021 10:55 am

    Re: Why do you want change?

    Fri Apr 30, 2021 10:32 am

    First of all I need to keep my job, random drug testing was introduced last year and I was lucky to not have my name drawn out of the hat till last month. And got busted. I still have my job but stood down until I can prove that I'm clean. I'm also sick of being sneaky and lying. Sick of being stoned, unmotivated and mindless.
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    Craig PW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 79
    Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2020 1:35 pm

    Re: Why do you want change?

    Mon May 03, 2021 8:11 pm

    Eventually it catches up with us hey @Minnie mouse ...........sounds like the drugs are losing their effect? I remember when that started happening and it just wasn't fun nor do what I wanted it to anymore..............I just wish it didn't take me sooooooo long to keep trying to make it work!!!

    How are you coping being off work? Have you managed to make any changes?
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    Minnie mouse
    Member
    Posts: 39
    Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2021 10:55 am

    Re: Why do you want change?

    Tue May 04, 2021 8:21 am

    It's been a really rough few weeks Craig. I have been facing them demons that trigger me. It's not just sadness but even happiness and excitement gets me wanting to have a joint. I didn't realise how much the dope numbs me from feeling all these emotions. Its been a week now since I last used and the vivid dreams have started. Yesterday I found out my cousin was murdered by a brutal bashing. I had dreams of my violent ex partner and woke up in tears. It feels like I'm getting tested by the universe. 😞
    0 x
    TheDees
    Moderator
    Posts: 139
    Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 4:29 pm

    Re: Why do you want change?

    Tue May 04, 2021 9:42 am

    Hi @Minnie mouse,

    It sounds like you're having an incredibly difficult time right now. I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin, and also about the dream. I want to just check in and see what supports you have around you today? I'm going to send you an email with some links which might be useful right now. Thank you for sharing what's going on, it takes a lot of strength to keep reaching out with so much happening around you.
    0 x
    Minnie mouse
    Member
    Posts: 39
    Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2021 10:55 am

    Re: Why do you want change?

    Tue May 04, 2021 11:34 am

    Thank you. My partner is a great support and here with me today. I'm staying strong and determined to ride it out without the weed.
    1 x
    Craig PW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 79
    Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2020 1:35 pm

    Re: Why do you want change?

    Thu May 06, 2021 10:00 pm

    @Minnie mouse my opinion on weed has changed soooo much over the years. I used to think it was really harmless and I smoked for probably 15 years. I now understand how much it ook from me........it just does it a whole lot more subtly than other drugs. It doesn't take as big of a physical toll and I think played a major part in the stunting of my emotional growth. Like you, I just ended up numb all the time and when i look back now i realise that I never felt any real emotions. Never felt that real natural joy and laughter or sadness. I was happy and sad at times but it wasn't the real deal.

    Oneof the things that kept me trapped was the fear of going through those night sweats and dreams. For a so called soft drug it grabs hold tight and dooesn't want to let go. The withdrawal effects are longer than most other things too and can come and go in waves. Even at the two week mark there can be another wave that takes you by suprise.

    Have you got any supports? Are you seeing an AOD counsellor? They can just help you understand what you're going through, deal with the triggers and all the things that come up now that your not using.........maybe even put you in touch with other supports that might be needed.
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    Minnie mouse
    Member
    Posts: 39
    Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2021 10:55 am

    Re: Why do you want change?

    Fri May 07, 2021 8:28 am

    Thanks Craig, I had my first counselling session yesterday. Yeah those wicked dreams are messing with me pretty bad, the nightsweats I'm kinda used to as I been menopausal for a couple of years so hot flashes and nightsweats have been the main symptoms. Probably a bit worse now though. The first week off the weed I was grumpy as but I have been a lot better this week. Still feeling a bit of anxiety.
    1 x
    ScorpionPW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 37
    Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2021 10:06 am

    Re: Why do you want change?

    Fri May 14, 2021 10:38 am

    I remember when I was detoxing off weed the dreams were so intense for a good couple of weeks, also the nightsweats and increasing anxiety.

    I also really relate to what you're saying @Craig PW about downplaying how much it was taking from me. I found it to be so insideous and to be such a slow decline until all of a sudden I was in a place where I was beginning to go into psychosis, I couldn't get any effect from the drugs anymore and I was terrified because it stopped working and I was just an anxious mess.

    I found that coming off weed had a kind of emotional detox that was unique to it compared to other drugs I'd come off...It was like such a blanket and made me so emotionally stunted that whenever I would stop, my thoughts would become very dark and my emotional responses would become so unpredictable.

    The only thing that ended up working for me was giving myself permission to just be anxious and a bit of a mess for a good couple of weeks, so knowing that that's what I needed I was able to find a safe place to detox where I could just be in whatever state I needed to without judgement and to be supported through that initial rough patch.

    How are things for you now @Minnie mouse?
    0 x
    Craig PW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 79
    Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2020 1:35 pm

    Re: Why do you want change?

    Mon May 17, 2021 8:35 pm

    Yeah those night sweats suck @Minnie mouse ............for me that anxiety stuck round for a few weeks but it would come and go. With most drugs I found that there was just one process in the withdrawal.............an unenjoyable process...........but it passed. With weed I found I'd think I'd moved through it but there'd be another wave and a lot of the time at about the two week mark I'd get hit with another big emotional wave. Once I knew this and prepared myself for it I found it got easier. I accepted the second wave which took away some of its power and the fear I felt.
    1 x
    Minnie mouse
    Member
    Posts: 39
    Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2021 10:55 am

    Re: Why do you want change?

    Mon May 17, 2021 8:52 pm

    I'm hearing ya Craig, I've had that 2nd wave of overwhelming emotions, started on about day 17. Although I think I'm dealing with it a lot better, the frustration of waiting for results and reports to my employer has been setting me off. I just wanna get back to work 😖I took a nice brisk walk with the puppy this afternoon which helped me calm down, I'm not gonna give up on this commitment "just keep swimming, just keep swimming"🐠
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    Craig PW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 79
    Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2020 1:35 pm

    Re: Why do you want change?

    Mon May 17, 2021 9:15 pm

    One foot in front of the other............it's simple but true..........

    Love that you got up and went for that walk.........that's how you break the control your brain wants to take..........break the loop and get moving

    Hopefully when the results come back it'll be a bit of a boost and recognition of what you've achieved in this last three weeks.............18 days is awesome!!
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    Craig PW
    Peer Worker
    Posts: 79
    Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2020 1:35 pm

    Re: Why do you want change?

    Mon May 17, 2021 9:45 pm

    @ScorpionPW ............this comment of yours rocks............"giving myself permission to just be anxious and a bit of a mess for a good couple of weeks"

    It brings up sooo much for me but the word that resonates most is acceptance. Who says I have to hold it all together? Who says I have to pretend everything will be okay? Who says I should just act normal?..........that's not how it works.............withdrawal SUCKS!!! Withdrawal is going to be hard. Withdrawal is going to come with physical, mental and emotional discomfort. Anxiety is going to play a major role in withdrawal. Pretending that isn't going to happen is opening the door to lapse because you're not accepting what's ahead and by not accepting the difficulties you're going to face you can't prepare the solutions you'll need.

    This is why your comment hits home. By accepting that you're going to be a mess for a while you can make sure your needs are met during the withdrawal. Having access to medical support. To the emotional supports needed from friends, family and peers. Professional supports like counsellors. Taking time off work or study so the pressure to perform is taken away and you can just wallow in withdrawal if needed. Accepting that the withdrawal period is going to suck for a short period of time can make it easier to work through..........knowing that each day you get through is a step closer to the end and to that feeling of relief when you finally wake up that day and feel soooo much better.

    Acceptance is often talked about in recovery but I think we need to talk about it more in withdrawal too.
    0 x
    Minnie mouse
    Member
    Posts: 39
    Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2021 10:55 am

    Re: Why do you want change?

    Tue May 18, 2021 9:50 am

    @Craig PW Cannabis NOT DETECTED in my results, feeling stoked😊💪👏
    1 x
    Lhiver
    Community Builder
    Posts: 28
    Joined: Tue May 04, 2021 9:59 am

    Re: Why do you want change?

    Tue May 18, 2021 10:36 am

    @Minnie mouse WOO! that's fantastic to hear! You should be really proud of how you're travelling and how far you've come the past few weeks! What does this mean for returning to work?
    0 x

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